Renee chan that stupid song is playing in my head now-best friends

not to self never look into a guys eyes while dnming for over 30mins

Dear Jack

I have always had a mindset of that life is crap but is it really? Honestly is my life that crap, you can't compare life so how can it be crap? Would I rather my life or the life of my cousin? It brings me to tears everytime I think of him, I know that I find it hard to relate to him and spend time with him cause I am so self conscious but doctors gave him no more than 2 years to live then no more than 5 yrs to live, he is 7 now and fighting like a true hero who unlike me doesn't squallar in his misery. He is so beautiful, he is cheeky and kind and loving and brings such joy and life to everyday that I see him. It is heart wrenching when I think of all the things he has to cope with in his life and when doctors didn't give him long to live? I have a abled body and a good functioning mind which I am wasting on the past,i can't change the past or the present but I can change my future, I live in regret of everything I have done and drown in my misery like Jack I can't change it but I can be like him. I want live with joy and love in my heart like he does, from his bright eyes and infectious smile it has inspired me despite my lack of communication with him. If he can live life at 7 years old with such omph and vevatiousness why can't a 17 year old girl do it? Jack not that you will every know but I am truely in your debt forever and day young man =D

I love you so much not that I will ever be any good at showing it =/

Happiness may only come in fleeting moments but we can make it last forever if we can treasure each moment. If we hold captive the memory and refuse to let it go and not let anything cloud the memory.

Don't you ever find, that to find that sweetness in life you have an after taste the makes you forget the sweetness because it is so bitter?

Life becomes a count of how many scars you have and how you are dying to be healed, dying for the "perfect" person to just come and be everything that you need.

We begin this search for something just to fill us, satisfy our hunger our need, this thirst for somesort of fairytale to be your story.

We walk right past God but stop to ask him for healing, fulfilment and that "perfect" person.

Funny thing but it doesn't work out like that...

Yeah we got scars and at times we hide them or "show-them-off"

nothing is ever consistant, not even God.

i wish I could make God consistant in my life...

I wish I could fill my all my needs with God, to have no more hunger or wants or thirst for anything but God and his plan for my life.

First step I guess is accepting my flaws and changing the ones I can change, how often do we just try and forget our flaws or brush it off?

I want to be different, really just be a role model and someone to look up to for God...

I want to have a purpose and to make a difference, not in a history textbook but in the lives and hearts of many people who know can have the God I have, no have every hunger, thirst and wants filled with God.

I have this thing were I see what i want from movies, I want some guy to sweep me off my feet but chances are he will drop me almost straight after picking me up, I'm crazy!!

gtg to bed its 1am =D have a plan and figure something out so life evolves around God! I want to be quenched and have my imagination blown up by God. Just require some tweaking and fixing.

A smile can hide all those ugly truths
Simple skills forbade observent gazes to learn anything
In a moment when my smile fades isn't enough for one to see through the mask

But now I'm lost, stuck in the realms of my mind
Lonliness is my prison walls which never let me go

Pain and misery is now an addiction
Can't survive with out my dose

Each dose is another layer a strength to my prision walls
Each dose is driving me deeper into my mind

A beautiful mind now dissolving into bleakness
Who can find me, if I can't?

Being born wasn't my choice, it was merely a gift. A gift of life, twas never promised to be good and perfect but for me now perfect is having flaws. God over time became a name that had no meaning other than Sunday school and school itself. God was who I went to for my needs which at 7 was a doll. I always believed, never doubted and God was my little resting place in which I placed my little girl fantasy's and dreams. I never asked about why I got abused, never questioned Gods love because God was holding my hand and I believed it 100% but somewhere along that line something changed which I wished it hadn't. I remember that feeling of not understanding anything but not even caring. Yes something would happen and it would hurt but the next day was a new day and what worth was yesterday because whatever happened it was past. (I was smarter when i was younger) Memories come and go and leave me with only a bitter taste in my mouth but without those there would never be a sweetness that comes. I grew up and in those circumstances developed to my enviroment which didnt end up to well. I could lie to a person who was meant to be able to tell the difference between the truth and lie. I never changed a bit till 2009, but who would know how dishonest I was?  God had become just a name one mentioned to fit into at school, I would give anything for someone to come and save me before year 9. These walls I have and bad habits are like superglued to me, I struggle all the time to break them. It just hasnt worked yet and as life heads into a downward spiral, I just care less and less. Wish I could go back to been young and think how I used too! I could make you cry if I wanted too but I dont, I dont want any more tears but I want to enjoy life. If I dont grasp it now, I never will! The past is always going to hurt and I can't change it and yes I am very messed up and quite a bad person but only I can change that and the sooner the better but its like an addiction. I am seriously now not able to function without some sort of misery. My brain has created this sort of thing that causes me to need misery and pain and without I can't cope. So in other words, im screwed! This boy came and messed everything up, even though he doesn't know I will forever be in his debt. He changed me because he reached the core, the core of me and from there I was stuck. He knew, some one knew me like no one else but they were perfect, they had flaws and messed up. They tore me apart from the core, and i guess im back to the start back to the walls which silenced me for so long. Bu tlife goes on and tomorrow is a new day which will bringem something new! I will break my silence and bring down my walls and it is to be done with God. But there is one problem I cant reach God yet, I can't focus on myself, I can't stand myself and to reach God I have to accept his love for me which isn't happening.

I thought that if I were given the oppertunity to change I would but when I begin to take away the bleakness of my life, the per say darkness of my life but the light seems to fade with the darkness gone. I hate how having flaws makes me human and how even if a million people starred at a picture not one would percieve it the same as another person. Its how we never know what people are thinking and how we just assume and guess. Damn life, who cares! What does it matter, we are built to fail in this world. We can never ever ever be good enough for people or the world. And people wonder why I have walls built up, I would prefer people not waiting for me to fail. I would prefer if people didnt assume things and stop trying to read me. I lose it at times like many people but that doesn't mean you can read my body language and expect to know whats going on in my mind. It just doesnt work like that.

I hate that I care so much, I hate giving  a damn!!

Im going well, I mean I am actually trying really hard to stay positive, is it going well? I think so but its hard. Although I do feel better  each step I take and the outcomes so far are just everything I need! I'm just so glad that I am alive and I love my life and even though I said I hated God its not true. I really don't because I lack the actions to prove my words instead I contradict those words and plan a brighter future for kids to find God for themselves and to hold on to God through their life because these are the fundamental years where we need to get our views and beliefs down pat because if we don't the world is going to toss us about then shove us in the garbage with every other filmsy person.

I'm happy with how everything is going in life

and I am making new friends!

The scenery is turning out to not be half bad!

A memory I cant forget

My stomach is churning and my hands are shaking, this overwhelming guilt is like a fog that has set around me. I have my note all written out and the words I HATE YOU are outlined in bold! As if they would care, I suppose that as they find me dead that she would weap for they money lost as I still was only a dollar sign. Each blow ever struck agasint me is fuel to my misery, each word that has stuck to me burns my skin. Each thought drives me to take each single pill. Each panadol is like the makings of a key, a key to unlock my misery! 24 panadols all sitting in my hand, I hold them protectivly making sure they are safe because they are my key to a better life. Isn't this going to be great, I take each panadol one at a time because I don't like taking pills. My heart begins to throb as I think of people who I love, which when I thought harder and harder was none and my religion was the answer, it was the solution. WHo did i matter to? Who really cared? No one

I dont know why I made my self throw up and not digest the panadols, I just dont know

but sucide is an experience which one can never forget and is like a reason to hang ones head in shame but I figure its time to release the memory because it is nagging me inside and bothering me

Sunshine, lollipops and rainbows

I feel so much better that I said sorry!

Today was just so lovely and nice, I had a good day!

I just strolled down the market and took in the sights and amazing smells

Was a great day and all I ever wanted was just a day that was perfect

but now I see that I dont want that and I cant have that

its like I have to take what is pitched at me but whatever speed I can catch it

minor problemo today but pfft who cares, I dont want my day to be perfect because we were never promised a perfect day but we were promised God.

And I must always count my blessings and never forget them

and dont lose focus and remember how lucky I am

Lucky to have wicked friends who are just brilliant!!! =D

also quick question reader why isnt capital d the other way round why is it D not the curve facing the other way?
like the letter b B they face the same way?

oh well


NITE =D

I feel so happy, so content

like this immense peace and you know where it came from

God, I admit that him and I haven't been at good terms recently

but as I just lay on my driveway and rest in his peace

everything just melted away and I felt so calm

read a thing and it said life was never promised to be easy but we can get through everything,

that is a FACT we are going though stuff emphasis on through, we get through everything, we dont get stuck and not move and hopefully we learn stuff though a troubles.

Wish I could just lay on my driveway forever!!!

Cant wait to die and go to heaven!!!

Boost of something

feel so good after winning

and like I was so nervous and i didnt want to ruin our chance of winning and then the guy was like my speech won it for our team

renee HAPPY DANCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

=D

Im way to compulsive and act without thinking which gets me into situations I dont like

and i can never thank ppl enough for putting up with me and the things I do

so my new idea to prevent this irrational stupid tash from acting is to give a situation 24 hours before I act or then I may choose to do nothing

=D

i think i can manage it! maybe

im just so happy, my mind is at ease

 ok before you say anything, i was like that for the past 24 hours!!

Ask renee!!

in a different context not leaving home but other stuff.

If they could just have a glimpse into my life, just see it for a moment an drealise the impact that they have in it

and how what they do it counts and therefore it hurts too

So what now God, what now

Gee thanks for the free will

we have a new battle front to fight

another battle for me to get stronger

Yipeeee

of well

here I come

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

I said to myself I am never blogging again and look at me now

*hangs head in shame*

I hate not having it together and I hate telling people and I am from now on wards refusing to tell people that I haven't got it all together and I refuse to tell people that I am not alright. 

I really don't like it 

it was a good day over all

=D =D =D

Over friendship and funny how this time

i am armed with my determination

which means i can do anything

his loss

always will be

I got my dream haircut!!!

That sounds weird cause its like of all things I could dream of, a hair cut was one of them

moving on

my mum and step were talking at the porch, so my bro and I hid behind the flyscreen and sang can you feel the love tonight!!!

IT WAS SO FUNNY!!!!!

anyway

I for the first time ever am doing maths homework!!!

I think i am falling ill with all this homework i am doing

maybe it is an alien invasion!!

=D

nite

Ok

attempt number 100000000000000000000000000000

at the God thing

trying a new approch

will inform you soon

Having a nice chat with missy!

We started on my expectations of my friends and how I use to pray that prayer and how God answered it in his own way. God showed me a glimpse of his plans for my friends and its like I get to see my friends grow and fulfil the plans.

It really is great to watch and see them become so annoited and blessed by God sometimes I wish I could see myself but I can't.

Missy likes her expectations that I have for her, now we are discussing Fifi...

I am so proud of her, proud of you all. You are all growing and fulfilling Gods plans and you are all so amazing!

David dont read the next sentence!!!

David was great on stage today

proud of him and how he is going

so nervous when I got on stage, I dont even remember what I said but i am glad it is over

toodles

It was so funny how good today was seeing that i woke up and I said I don't want to be me

Then me being me proceeded to change my mind twenty million times!!!

I like life just the way it is, with all the pain and suffering I just couldn't be any better!

No sarcasm there honestly, I am good with God and good with all my friends and and and I made a new friend!

I have a bad habit to dwell on the past and someone told me not to because it is the past and I can't change it
not even if I buy a time machine!!!

I just am so happy it is good

I am getting better at standing on my own two left feet,(I am clumsy)

It is good, its like I finally got it through my thick head that I am unique and special

and who cares what any on else thinks, I like me

any way I am bored and will call someone to entertain myself

Could I make a bigger fool of myself, probably not.

I swear I have mental blocks that prevent me from seeing and thinking anything else

Lets just say I feel like I made a fool of myself yesterday and today infront of David

A major fool and apologising isnt good enough, I wish I would change or I could do something.

I don't want to be tolerated

Just another clumsy mistake on my behalf AGAIN!!!!

Got upset today, still am but it doesn't require anyones help

its personal and I am not willing to share

My cousin could almost be my clone, she is wicked and so I am going to visit her in September.

She renamed me Widget ( see photo below)



and so she bought me a dogtag with Widget written on it! ( see picture below)

 Then I bought I cool as pencil ( see picture below)

Can't be bothered with titles anymore,

Haven't blogged since tuesday which wasn't long ago, nothing much has happened.

Feeling lonely at this moment guess I should talk to God, although I can't say I am very receptive to him.

That is something I can work on, my mind has been replaying tuesday over and over and over again.

It just strikes so much pain in my heart, I always tried to bargain a deal with God, I said take the pain from all my friends, take the demons away from David, take the uncertainty away from renee fill the hole in steph and give me all their burdens. I prayed that prayer every day, all I wanted was for them to have no pain and suffering and to live great lives and that i could carry all that pain for them.

Kinda lame prayer but it was what I wanted, God never granted it but i suppose thats a good thing.

I just hated the fact that on tuesday I got mad and people saw me get mad and it was like a glimpise of the tash inside, all this pain anger and anguish came flooding out and no one could convince me other wise of God.

I wanted God to bless me with more than just the talent of serving and I eventually realised that he has blessed me with strength.

His strength and I can't take all my friends pain away, but I can take some and I can help them through life and I can help others thus social worker is looking like a good career option.

I can do that anywhere, you know I am not just restricted to Australia

and recently I have been talking to God sorry this thought is intimate

God said that he doesn't want me to be afraid of the future, life can get low but because he has blessed me with strength I can get right back up and that one day he will grant me a husband like no other. I questioned God and he said he wants me to grow up and marry because I need someone to look after me while I try and look after the world. I was like shucks God thanks, that made my day.

I will phone a friend and tell them about my weekend tomorrow,

anyway im tired

night

tash

My adventure story chapter 1

I went to the prayer meeting because I didn't want to stay at home and my friends were going to be there.
I got there and it was going ok, we did some worship then we discussed everything and we talked about what we want to see happening in school. It was great, we came to a conclusion and we began to pray for it and it was so hard seeing all these people putting out everything for God to move. Then Gunny said is there anyone who needs prayer and then Gunny went first and we prayed for him and I conclude the prayers with nice prayer. Then I suggested that David should go in the circle and let us pray for him seeing as he isn't good with God. He declined and then explained why and somehow I persuaded him to eventually come into the circle which for me was like mind balling because I was saying things that I don't usually say or share with anyone and I promised him that everything would be even better after we prayer for him. I gave him good logic to think about it which isn't what I do but he came into the circle and people started praying for him and I knew exactly what David was talking about and how it felt because I was feeling it and as I saw people praying for him I just couldn't stand to watch it, so I walked out. I was becoming this one major angry person and I was about to hit something when Alex stood in front of me, I almost punch him. LOL then I just told him what I was thinking and it went along the lines as to why did I persuade David to get prayed for or why did I pray well for Gunny. You know, I do want them to be happier but I want them to suffer like me. I don't know what I am doing and I was getting worked up when Britt's parents came and then I figured well seeing as I got this I might as well pray for David and thus I did and again it was a good prayer, the holy spirit spoke through it like many other prayers I have said. Then I took my anger out on Renee's cabinet. LOL Then I asked if anyone else needed prayer and then Renee was like how about you (me) and I was like NO WAY!!! Then I got angry and as people spoke I just shot them down, and then steph tried to say something and I cut her off and she burst into tears and I just wanted to run and hold her in my arms and beg her not to weep. Then people kept saying stuff and I continued to harden up then Jack said I won’t pray for you until you become selfish not selfless and I shot that down and explained how I am selfish and I said it on my blog and what not but deep inside it hit me like a bucket of ice been thrown on me. Then David kind of stormed towards me and I was like What the hell and tried to step back but I had people and a cabinet behind me so I could go nowhere. HE just layed a HEAVY hand, he was like pushing on my shoulder and I wanted to punch him, and Renee said that they had to hold him back! I was about to punch him when Bianca held my hand so he got lucky. People around me were all crying and praying and I felt that I was hurting them then Jack came and I talked to him about everything that was crossing my mind and how I felt that I was hurting these people around me then him and Alex said, "Tash you are been prayed for and you are worried that you are hurting these people how is that selfish. We are praying for you this is about you and you are worried about all these people instead of you! YOU ARE NOT SELFISH!!!!" We continued and then we finished, get slightly awkward when it finishes and people laughed at my thoughts mind you I kept contradicting myself in what I said which might be the base for the laughter. Then we relaxed and then Bianca kept tickling me, it was funny. I made foreign high pitched squealing noises.

I think that was a great story, and maybe there will be more but that was adventure of a life time!!!

My adventure story #1

If cruel difference of opinions can hurt me at that moment consequently honest words can help me at that instant too?

If my family can attain to get me down then the bible can get me up

I am challenging myself to make these verses, listed below, mean something to me.

I will make them lift me up when mean words get me down.

(just a thought I don't know if when my family is mean to me whether they realise it, does it cross their mind the words they are saying??)

Duet 31 v 6
Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you or forsake you.

Psalm 139 v 13
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

Jeremiah 29 v 11
For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans for a hope and a future.

That is my challenge, and I enquire of you to assist me to retain accountable since my cherished readers, you altogether are wiser than me as profusely abhorrence saying it. You are wiser than me, I'm not naive and not expressive but I am all chaotic.

Im sorry

I got mad at God, mad cause I wan thim in my life and I am so stubborn I don't want to work at it. I want it now because I think that I deserve it now. I got mad because it wasn't and then I spoke to David and I just let words flow, half the time they didn't make sense. He kept saying "I don't understand your english" and I was all over the place, and saying things that were stupid and meaning less.

I really dug myself into 2 holes

1. Knowing God hole

2. Stupidity/failure hole

more number 2, I feel like such an idiot and i feel that its reasons like these that david needed space from me

di dyou hear all that

i feel way to much!!! Im like an emotional bomb that keeps exploding

I dont know where to go from here,

But David made something clear, I do have confidence in God and i have faith

I have faith, who cares if it isn't much, i have it  and God gave me a promise and God can't break promises.

So take that you bastard,
I don't like pain, and I dont want more but there isn't any way around it so i might as well go through life and pain and God

and come out with friends like david and renee

and a daddy like God all beside me!!

Take that again you nimrod (aka as the devil)

I realise that I dont persevere very well, LOL

i see what romans meant, honestly David I'm all good just lashed out in anger

Anthem Camp 2011

Day One Monday 11^th July

Watched little mermaid and enchanted. David doesn’t have high expectations of camp, I tried to boost it. Got to camp unpacked, some ice breaker games and then my team the Rice cookers had to cook dinner which was spag boll. It tasted bad and people treated me like I was an idiot who couldn’t cook.  I was very frustrated by the end of dinner; I sat next to David for a bit but left to cool off. I want to give God influence and guidance over my life.  Service number 1, I was excited but the speaker was so boring that I fell asleep. The theme for camp is faith, hope and love. Jerri started crying and I didn’t know what to do so Tim talked to her, the night over all was ok, could have been better.

Day two Tuesday 12^th July

Got to have coco pops for brekkie, YUM! Meandered around until service 2 which alas was more boring than service 1, I fell asleep again. I went up for alter call about getting a breakthrough in camp, Ally gave me Romans 5 v 1-3. I read it and didn’t understand it, so I asked Josh later and him and I had a great chat, great because it opened my eyes, he asked me who I trusted and I said no one, he asked how my relationship with God was and I said what relationship, he asked about my hope and I said I have little hope.  After realising what I said, I was like OH now I know what I need to work on.  We talked until service 3, that I can’t remember in my diary I drew flowers and clouds and birds, can’t you tell I was so interested. Didn’t do much until service 4, We started worship and then half way through it, Josh said get on your knees if you haven’t worshiped God like that, so I did, then we sung our own personal song to God then we asked for the Holy spirit to come and talk to us, I want it so bad, so very very very very bad!!!! And i didn’t get it, I was utterly disappointed. I ran out and cried then went in and listened to the rest of the service. 3 people came up to me later and talked to me they said:

1.       My walls are so strong, they are so mighty and that I need to bring them down.

2.       My smile, it shines and makes people smile too, so never stop smiling.

3.       To be proud of my God given talent.

I always wanted to have a God given talent in sport, academic studies or wisdom I didn’t want my God given talent or servitude. I didn’t want to serve I want to be something else. Btu the guy I talked to said that I am way to negative, I need to be proud of being a servant and accept Gods love. Then after all that just went to bed.

Day three Wednesday 13^th July

I wasn’t grumpy this morning which is good and after my serve of coco pops had a dnm with David but it was rudely interrupted but that’s ok. Then service 5 which talked about the healing of our sins, and I went up again to be healed but I didn’t feel any different afterwards. Then my team did lunch which was burgers that was easy and people liked it,   Had a trivia game, which was ok then dinner which was rice that was yum too. After dinner felt terrible so I just sat on a chair in the corner and one could say sulked, after dinner David came and talked to me, we talked about a lot of things and this conversation went on for 1.5 hours. Then service 6 I had my expectations which were:

1. Wisdom

2. Love

3. Relationship with God

4. Healing

5. Forgiveness

I want to do Gods plan for my life, I want to fulfil them but I can’t do that if he isn’t in my life. So I feel like a complete and utter FAILURE, I feel as if I have failed life, failed everything and that I am worthless and stupid. Then God healed my knee, this growth I had in my knee disappeared which was phenomenal and I was like WOW, I almost fell down in shock but Jo Cho caught me. Then as the night progressed it got a bit dull then he did this thing called the tunnel of fire which is about just feeling God and having the Holy Spirit flow over you and that is exactly what happened. My turn came and I was too scared to go in, jack held my hand and walked me in and halfway into it I fell to my knees, it wasn’t like something was pushing me down it was like I couldn’t stand in the presence of God and thus I fell to my knees. I mainly fell to my knees because i told God I could stand in his presence which you can't then AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We worshiped till 2am got to bed at a bit past 3am.

Day 4 Thursday 14^th July

I slept talk and literally in my sleep very loudly exclaimed POTATOES!!! Hahahahaha, now everyone is calling my potato, sigh bus home was good, slept and David sat next to me again, which was weird because that isn’t like him, but we spent most of the trip in silence listening to our music. Then I had a revelation what if an autobot transformed into the go go gadget car, how cool!!!!!

That was camp, one of the best times of my life, even though I haven’t gotten my expectations yet doesn’t mean they won’t come and I have renamed my blog My adventure because as I talked to David he asked me whether this was going to be an adventure and the idea hit me, I was like it is my adventure with God and I will receive my expectations one day and God and I will form a great relationship cause life is an adventure you never know what is going to happen and you get to have fun with it.

Thought # 13

I am trying so hard to give God my life, give him control. I realised that as much as I had said that I had given God my life I really hadn't because I wasn't giving him control over my life but showing him end results of things. It is so hard, and sometimes I think that God had control of my life when I was younger and look at how that turned out

I grew up strong, independent, brave, courageous and so closed up.

People say how being strong, independent, brave and courageous is are gifts that most people don't have and how I am so lucky. They say that it is a good thing but for me it so isn't, why can't I be weak???

People have all these analogy's like there is me pushing against a rocl which is my life and when I move the rock I will be so strong.

What the hell, who put the rock there??? I don't want it there, who aksed me to make me life bad?

And I am so vein, so conceited and selfish!!!

I am such a bad person and sometimes I feel like you people don't understand that about me, i am not good!

I want God in my life so much, but sometimes, I feel that I just can't let him in!

Why should I? Tell me why!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I try so hard, I try to do thr right things, but I have my plans for my life I dont really know what Gods plans are for my life.

I have declared that God is in my life but at this moment in time as much as I have declared I haven't let him in.

And i want to so bad, but i am so scared!!! So so so scared,

Sometimes I wish I was wise

jkdfhdsuia

sdfhjkewiusdjksdbmfSDHJFSDKFSDIYTHIWREBJKTBVNAK,hlktfDFSDHJFSDHFSDHShgfdsgfhsdkjasdfgkjdg\hfsdggfbsdkjeqytyhrebfkjckzkjagkukasdgufsdkgjfsdbkjfsdnvmfdsuifgsufgshfdgsdjhfgsdahjgf\hfsdhgfshgfsj

understand, me neither. My brain doesn't want to function!!!

Ahhh life well my life is such a game oh and I am playing it so well!!!!!!!!

but really that is a bad thing...

Tried flicking through the bible for a verse no luck, nothing screams out to me

but i am tried!!!

good night

Change

After all the healing and changing I haven't really talked about God on my blog, never really have.

Don't know why, it just seemed to slip my mind but I am trying to change that.

Trying been the operative word. I can't say I will or I wont because I will change.

I hate change, I hate it because sometimes we change  and we don't know it, or life changes without  asking us if it could change. Change seems so bad, growing up seems bad an innocents lost with our courage and individuality. WE get to grow up into a world that only wants to see pretty people and $$$ with a 50% of divorce rate in the WORLD! I don't want to change into that world, but do I have a choice with this change??

Everyone "christian" tells me I do,

they say stand out, be different don't follow the crowds. Don't blend in but I find it leaves us "Christians" in the grey area of the world neither black nor white.  We just suck our thumbs and "pray" I am so sick of it, we see a terrible thing and say that it is so bad but what are WE doing about it, not a damn thing? Please correct me if I am wrong but it isn't the "Christians" out in the world changing it...

We are so afraid of things we don't know!!!!

This might seems hypocritical to you because what is Tash doing about it,

tash is waiting as God wants me to be the right hand man, I am going out into this world to help the "scum" of the world as people refer them as.

mind you we all aren't waiting.

Some of you have jobs, so support a kid, its $44 a month that's a little over 4-6 hours of work or one shift!!!
a month.

We seem so scared of this world because we don't know it and we never will, we don't want to get our hands dirty, now do we!!!

If you weren't a christian and you met the christian you, would you become of a christian because of how you are??

For me, no i wouldn't, I want people to meet me and for God to make me shine for him, not change, people change and I find that makes them unreliable even me!

I didn't plan on ranting but it felt good, didn't know i was even thinking that.

quick bible verse

Deuteronomy 31 v  6
Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them for the lord God goes with you he will never forsake you or forget you.

I know that we have heard it before, and  I have done a lot of bad things in my life and God still loves me!

He sees those stars every time he sees me!!!

don't be afraid of this world because it IS going to hurt you, it  will knock you down and when you get back up it will knock you down again.

being strong and courageous wasn't meant to be easy so stick at it.
-tash

6 days to sum up

I haven’t blogged some of the most amazing days of my life and other fun days so I have to sum them up...

Wednesday-

Start of camp, yeah. I only got excited that morning, the girls and I had dibs on the minivan. SO much fun driving up to camp. We played Bat out of hell on my iPod just for Mr. D. to make him feel less odd. Got to camp, YAY!!! (Won’t say what I ate and stuff) Did survivor course, fun to a point, very extraneous on the body and mud taste so BAD!!!!!! Then we went to go and clean up, slightly awks as I waited on our porch for the shower when some guys in a cabin were standing on their porch in their undies. AWKS!!! No really it was awks. Then we had Mrs. B talk was good, then we prayed and my cabin prayed for over 2 hours. Most of us got some healing!!!!! It was great. Saw the night sky with the stars, phenomenal!!! Amazing breath taking, fall to your knees in awe!!!!

Thursday-

I spoke at brekkie, so nervous, went well! Did horse riding was fun then high ropes, ok so I can climb trees no matter how tall but I am terrified of high ropes, the height just scares me, but I got up the ladder and I got about 1/3 of the way across the rope then I freaked out and started hyperventilating and the tears came, hand were white from holding the rope so tight! Then initiative course, fun to a point. Had game show night, fun again to a point.

Friday-

Boys put our shoes on the roof over night, they froze! No harm done wasn’t funny to us tho, but now I laugh at it. Back home. Anthem left early didn’t feel well

Saturday-

Went out for lunch with Tim and ppl fun. Got home and then felt lonely, called ppl no one picked up then called Mims, very nice chat! I like having those chats with him, his laugh is so nice.

Sunday-

Meh

Monday-

Spent the day with Ali and got a job!!!! Finally!!! Saw technically 3movies!!! ( ;

Poem thing ish

Dedicated to Alicia Eng

PERFECT

Looking out, looking up

I fall to my knees

The beauty and awe

In the stars, the sight

Stands unmatched

By anything else in the world.

A simple word can do it justice

PERFECT

Which I see every time

I see the stars

And every time God looks at me

He sees

PERFECT

He sees a daughter

He loves dearly

One he is proud of

For I am his perfect daughter

the end.

Camp

Went through a rough patch,

found another nun!!

I think I got this!!!

Camp should be fun and I hope that I can fill it with the holy spirit and people will come away changed!!

I love you God!!

-Tash

Thought #12

I swear I am bonkers...

Absolutly crazy, but thats me and I should also stop thinking about things,

I have this habit to find floors in everything.

(Its why I always argue with david )

but i need to stop, its not helping me at all.

-tash

the blows of life are hitting harder and harder,

staying strong is even harder,

so annoyed right now

Sigh

hdjsfgausidlfgadusygfdasfhcxvgfdushgdufgaidgfhae;

is all i really want to say

but im determind to stay strong in God

-tash

For david

Hey dav, the songs wouldn't upload so

Tom Jones - Its not unsual
                  -Pretty woman
                  -Shes a lady  (- a big fav song)

Its not your kind of music, but I think you might like the beat to shes a lady.

if you cant be bothered checking all the songs PLEASE just check out shes a lady, that goes for all you readers too!!!!!!

Any way, happy mood has dampend I'm $107 in debt with my next paycheck coming in at a whopping big ol $20, renee i need the magnum back!!!!

I need a job, how the hell am i going to get that money, i am contemplatign cash converters

maybe my batgirl doll she is worth about $200 i think

what about my glass things??

I have a gold soverign weighing not much but could bring me some money

sorry to be burdening you readers its late and i want to rant so badly atm

can i win tattslotto???????

-tash

I seem to be posting everyday, oh well I hope you don't mind my rambling. I tend to ramble a bit and, as my little paragraph below my title says, it's not some mind blowing thoughts just simple thoughts

but anyway, I had my first meetign with my mentor, went well. I rambled again.

I met a wicked dude, what do I do? He is amazing, meaning its not that I like like him,

girls it is that he ticks all the boxes.

any way sorry david that you had to read that.

so yeah mentor went well

all is good

-tash

Still going strong...

Still going strong and I seriously haven't felt this good in a while.

Life is blissful, and the word ignorant comes to mind but I can't explain the changes in me.

It’s like it is a volcano and now I'm erupting, that sounded so stupid. Me who ever I am is coming out, little rusty but steady and surely. After the dinner party you guys know my lame sense in music but one day my guy will find that charming about me ( ;

I never thought I could feel this good, I had a rough weekend and a rough week so far but I still feel good.

And all I can do is thank God, I think I got hope because I finally cried out with all that was within me.

Dude this is so gay, now I’m tearing up.  You guys have no idea how much this means to me.

Renee you can have your magnum back!!!

The whole thing I wrote about 2 posts ago with David, it has done me good. It’s like a weight was lifted and if he has read my blog than all is going well.  I couldn't be happier

I’m off, watching a candle burn, it’s really pretty

-Tash

if you guys don't mind i wish to give you all a hug tomorrow just cause im so happy and I haven't hugged you guys in ages apart from david last hug was like forever ago.

A all time fav song

SIGH

Mmmm

You know what, I think I am healing cause I keep finding parts of me that have long been missing

hmm should i write it here???

I suppose so, please dear readers give me a hug cause i want a hug and just say blog so i know that you got this!!!

So I shall inform you of "classified information" about me:

I love old songs/singers like : Nat King cole, Il divo, Whitney Houston and Chicago.

I love the theatre!!!

I really like shakespear

I am the biggest bork worm

Also I like air supply, Norah jones and classical music and opera

I love ballroom dancing

and calligraphy

also for the time being I am over my dear little infatuation

and I am determind to stay that way.

So remember hug and just smile cause God is great and amazing and fantastic and awesome

and after many tears and heart aches he has answered my prayers and given me hope.

one last thing...HUG

cause i really want to start anew with you guys, and again David im so sorry for everything,

I realised that i held you so tight that you couldn't breathe and thus space was then required

and on top of that I liked you up until like Thursday, I liked you for the great guy that you are and I now realise that I want that great guy as my best friend and nothing more or less.

So again I'm sorry and please forgive me

because i think we can take a step back and start again clear the air

-Tash

p.s Hug !!

solution

After searching for God and healing I think I have found it.

It might take me years but now I have found it it means I can loosen up on eg. David.

I always "held" him to tight afraid to let go thinking I might loose him because sometimes it felt like I had nothign else to hold on to.

I got a mentor, she is 40ish and when she too was young she was abused.

This all happen because God gave her a vision...

Her visions were that I was standing close to God but there was this powerful wind that seemed to separate us and that God said the wind took you away once but I will never let it happen again.

then she said that she saw me in a empty room, there was nothing in this room because it had been stolen from me.

She said how things like who i am, my identity has been stolen.

She couldn't have gotten it any better, it kind of creeped me out.

And alas the tears came but they soon went and we went out for dinner...indian!!!

any way she gave me a lift home and we talked, and I asked her why you, why me?

( you see, I always ask pastor and what not why, why did this happen. they all say cause God has a plan and that is not a satisfying answer)

she said because God gave us free will and those people chose to hurt you, God didn't abandon us. But he gave those people free will and he can't take it away.

My head had ceased spinning momentarily

it slike this great big reassurance has washed over me that every thing is going to be ok.

SO i will take this opportunity to sincerley apologize to:

David, I'm sorry for everything!!!!

Renee I'm sorry for been to harsh on you, and taking you forgranted. I dont know what i would do with out my weekly  make the minutely phone calls.

Steph, sorry for pressuring you, and been to harsh on you. Thanks for slapping me back when I was rude and stuck in my own little world.

You guys are my world, you must understand that, You guys are what I live for, you dont understand how bad home has gotten because I haven't told you. You guys what keeps me going and what i look forward too everyday i come to school. I love you

-Tash

Arhhhhh

I'm 17 sheesh, but I feel like I could be like 25.

I hate you in a non hate-ing way!!!!

ahhhhhhhh, ( i suppose my blog is my thoughts and thus you guys get to read my thoughts)

Steph gave me this song and said it perfectly describes me atm...LOL

"Fallin' For You"
I don't know but...
I think I maybe
fallin' for you
Dropping so quickly
Maybe I should
keep this to myself

Waiting 'til I..
know you better
I am trying..
Not to tell you..
But I want to..

I'm scared of what you'll say
So I'm hiding..
what I'm feeeling..
But I'm tired of
Holding this inside my head

I've been spending all my..time
Just thinking about ya
I don't know what to do
I think I'm fallin' for you

No point finishing the song, thats all there is to it!!

but i'm not sure I mean the list against me liking this guy is almost equal to me liking him which drives me absolutly BATTY!!

But i suppose it will stay inside of me still, no matter how much i want to tell him!!!

He probably already has guessed it and my close friends guessed 2

shows how transparent i am!!!

Dont even know why i am posting this

probably need a good rant

with such luck i might rant on thursday with a close friend but my doubts are extremely high

-tash

???

Dont know what to think,

thoughts got lost in translation

Desperately need to talk talk to some one...

but truth is that i wont and that it can't just be anybody,

Huge problem is liking this person, it causes so much pain in liking them

Ahhhh, but what can be done? I can't tell them, just have to continue this silence!

Shoot me please!!
-Tash

Hmm

Ahhh, the monsters have attacked and I have fallen...

translation

got a cold!

I miss my dad, how weird is that?

Any way,

not much to post my brain has shut down

due to overlaod which is due to exams


LOL

toodles

Thought # 10

I think I am happy, like over everything.

It’s hard to explain so bear with me,

I haven't overcome these fears I have but i have stopped avoiding them.

I don't lie any more

I am honest

I have confidence in who I am

I can fluke this sort of confidence usually and no one can tell.

But now it’s real, I am trying to put aside everything that is holding me back

I am struggling like crazy,

I got to a point in life; I don't think my description will do it justice

But when you reach so low in life, all these suicide thoughts cross your mind,

And you feel this immense happiness if you jumped off that building or stepped out in front of that car.

I really can't describe that feeling, you know it if you got it.

I still over think things and worry excessively as people keep finding out,

I can be extremely shy; only 2 people did know that. SO funny though

~just slipping in a memory here~

Hung out with David and he figured out that I was shy, it was so funny.

I clearly was in denial and it was like he had found out my deepest darkest secret. He was laughing and jumping around, we then went to anthem and he ran around anthem telling people and the absolute funniest thing was that no one believed him!!! LOL

That’s was hilarious.

I'm going through this phase atm where I don't really liked to be touched, if you give me a hug I won’t return it, don't know why.

Also still don't want to get married.

Might get past that maybe not.

Love is a big word with a big meaning

And can you say you love someone???

Not sure...but i think it may be too much to say im in love

Not sure?

Love is a huge call!!!!!

Although I do love my friends, tonnes and tonnes!!!

Seriously though readers,

HOPE

We all go through tough times,

Death of loved ones
Abuse
Loneliness
Burdens of society
Ourselves

But HOPE,

If you don't take time for God, it isn't getting you any where

Talk to God 24/7 about everything.

He wants to hear it all even though he knows it.

Toodles

LAME

I'm now a lame person, not over my crush.

Am I stupid, probably.

Don't know what to think?

What should i think, am I imature?

Who knows, who cares?

Pfft...oh well

i can guess that some of my readers are probably tsk tsking me

or laughing or thinking im lame

but tally ho

Happy?

Im so content right now, listening to Taylor Swift.

Shud probs stop listening to love songs!!!!

Sigh but you know what "crushes" are SO LAME!!!

mind you i just got over my own lil crush... but yeah

ahh i watched mulan and i cried at the end...

how retarded am i???

LOL

any way

toodles

Thought #9

HOPE

Romance

I love hearing the rain fall, it’s almost soothing to my restless heart

I danced in the rain, waltzed to be specific. SO romantic even if  I was dancing with Bianca...

But then for that moment you gaze up and the rain dances across your face

The beauty is awe binding and all you can do is gasp and try and take as much in as you can for that moment.

Then you lower your head to look in to your partner’s eyes

Any you know everything is right at that moment in time

Then you come inside, wet but so content

And no matter what you’re happy for that moment with a honest smile that crosses your face

 and after all that "romance" bianca got a date LOL

and i got an answer to my questions.

Like a massive WOW, like bucket of ice cold water was thown on me

i want to share it with some close friends but the timing isn't just right yet

i really like the word moment and i really like writing teh word individual

Thought # 8

I don't want this anymore. I don't want to live. I want everything to go away. I want to be a better person but trying my hardest isn't good enough. Can't please anyone anymore. I don't want to take my own life away. I want something else to happen. Everything just hurts.

 

Got to a breaking point and I broke

 

I can't belive I broke, I thought i could keep it all together

 

I thought i could keep running the race of life but i can't

 

not the way i am right now

 

 

Thought #7

This is both a thought and an experience, and other thoughts scattered through.

I have good table manners, I am polite and I thank my parents ( mentally) all the time that they have taught me well. You see I was out for dinner with "bogans" and  " non bogans" and I will be forever grateful for having the manners of a non bogan person. *insert extremely happy smile*

Also you know the TV add when it talks about safe drivers and that guy parks in the massive space???
Well my aunt parks like that, I was in stiches when she parked like that!!!

I look good in photos, mind you I do practise.

I am good at cooking things that I make up without a recipe

I like drawing, I used to draw and paint but I stopped and I wasn't half bad but I have picked it up again. Althougth I need new paints and paint brushes. Might get it when I next go to knox?

Another thought I need to go back to church. I used to be the biggest church addict, I was there all the time any chance I could get. I would volunteer for everything, I miss that. I miss the friendships that I formed. I will forever regret focusing on the bad things and leaving church. Sigh

Any way, thats all for tonight

Toodles, sweet dreams

Beauty

reminder

I'm still happy, and love will conqure all

Thought #6

All I know is that I am happy, and I know that even though life still sucks it doesn't matter cause

LOVE really does conqure all

I never thought in a million years I could love some people who have caused imense amount fo pain in my life.

These people caused me to try and die

 these people sent my spiraling down into a pit of self destruction

These people made sure I knew nothign of what love, care or compassion was

these people caused me more harm in 17  years so far then what you or I can ever imagine

the box of memories i have is bottomless, miserable, desolte and dark memories

and they dont matter any more

who cares,

no one is going to ask how yoru childhood was, not even ur hubby or wife not your children

in the end its between you and God

and when you get over or open that box of memories that you have tucked away from the world

( i tucked  my memories away thinking that the world would see me as a beast, a monster)

you start to sort throught them, see whats anchoring you down

the you simply


LOVE


when you love I mean really love people like that, you know something is right in your messed up world

you cant fake this love, this love you know it when you got it


and I got it

and its not this unstable hope that i talked about in thought#3

its real hope that I think i will be able to hold on to

and i haven't been fully honest with anyone since forever,

i have even disliked you and faked liking you.

( which to me is rly mean)

but thsi is real this me and im exactly where i am supposed to be

so when you see me and see me smile

know that it is sincere and honest and that I * my name goes here*

love you,


 for who you are

 and that you are a very special person, and  that I am holding onto your hand for the rest of my life because i wont be letting go easily or with out a fight


" if the essence of my being has caused a smile to have appeard upon yoru face or a touch of joy within your heart  then in living i have made my mark"

and i hope that i have made my mark in your life cause my dear reader you have marked mine

Thought #5

Sigh I just LOVE music...

I honesty don't know what I would do without music

I love how music is so influential, you emotions suddenly can change to teh music you are listening to

I love how happy and enthusastic I can get from a simple song...

I confess its not always chirstian music I listen to but there is nothing wrong with that, cause its not like I listen to bad music

my fav song at this moment in time is strangers like me

its from TARZAN it has a good rhythem and its a song that you can belt out in yoru room and feel reallty lively...

 I know its kiddie but oh well, it makes me happy...

i suppose this is one thing that makes tash...tash.

i dont know anyoen who loves tarzan like i do Muahahaha

dont know why that deserves and evil laugh but it does

so the thought is to never ever leave music behind,

cause I NEED MUSIC and the truth is that I will forget that i love music and stop listening for a while then i will remember and all is better...

also if tarzan isnt yoru style i highly recomend norah jones...she is classy and jazzy and oh rly good

if tarzan isnt your thing but i urge u to watch the video

i also tried to lick my tounge?? cause i bit my tounge adn it hurt so i thought i would lick it liek when you bite your lip you lick your lip right

or im just really really wierd  HAHAHA

anyway

i will sign off  toodles

Butterfly

I was really bored and a drew a black and blue butterfly its kind of cynical

Thought #4

P.s quick note, i am writing this under restricted time and this thought itself is scattered around my mind and I apologize for the horrific spelling and the akward way i phrase things...

My dear readers unfortunately to my disadvantage only one of you knows my really well and I confine in her at times my inner most thoughts and feelings. Alas again only some of my inner most thoughts and feelings so I will have to explain some of me before I begin this thought. What I write today is very personal and it’s breaking my 1st rule of protecting myself, (you might say protecting me from what, well I am protecting me from you (it’s complicated)) (but as I say rules are made to be broken)

pHs what I write may seem not personal maybe boring, maybe attention seeking maybe anything but this is important to me.

Through my life; care, thoughtfulness, importance to someone or thing and encouragement have been big things to me. I treat everybody like that even if I don’t like them but not often does one return the favour. I will write notes to my friends and I will go the to end of the world and back for you/them. I make my close friends a priority in my life and I will do anything. I want someone to randomly write me a note and encourage me like what I do or encourage me or make me FEEL like I am a priority but more than often I don’t feel like that and I find that at times that can get me down. It’s almost like a weakness in me and please don’t cities me for wanting this; please don’t judge me for thinking like this. I am afraid of wanting this and of not having this and please don’t think me silly for being afraid.

I got given a quote yesterday,

“Bravery is not doing some with no fear; bravery is going through something with fear”

That might not make sense to you but this person like many other people told me I was brave and more then often I don’t feel brave and I didn’t feel brave writing this post but when I get to my actual thought you might be able to get a better grasp on what I am saying.

So here is my thought,

I always thought that it must be the devil depriving me of this encouragement feeling etc...So like at planet shakers the pastor told everyone in the stadium to put a hand on the person next to them, right so he told the whole stadium and NO ONE put a hand on me and I yelled at God. Also a friend was saying something nice to all his close friends and the best thing he said was that he got my email. And yet again I yelled at God those are a few recent examples but those meant something to me. I finally got to a stage where I realised that I was depending on humans

I was depending on ppl like you for comfort and I could say refuge and I gave up on you today and then I realised that I need to place this want in God.

Any way I’m sick of writing I will be off to enjoy my grounding, yeah that right I’m grounded for the rest of the holidays...

Thought # 3

I don't really know what this thought is, I had it just before.

Ok I think this is the thought i was thinking.

I hate how when your struggling with God, you find something to cling on to.
Some unique form of a supposed "hope"
You spend time or any spare moment to ponder about this shred of hope only to have it torn from you.

And when this hope is torn from you, it isnt some measly little memory or thought that tore that hope from you its
big, its something that played a major role in maybe shaping you or your thoughts.

Ahhhh, and to try and move past this thought is excruciatingly painful.

Thats all for this thought

Caught

Got caught today, caught in reality.

I got caught not knowing who I was...

I was mixing up what was real and what was fake...

Then I utterly confused myself.

I was trying to figure what I did or was naturaly or did fake

I had to ask some friends and their reply’s really humbled me…they said stuff about me that I never thought of. When you live like I have lived it’s a hard task trying to act one way and then in and instant behave differently. Soon (like me) you mix these two worlds. You wind up with chaos circling your head.

This post is more for me and putting my thoughts down but if you continue to read you will learn more about the real Natassia, which could be a bad thing because you will might think about things and realised I was fake with you or even lied to you and I am sorry if that occurs but you are welcome to read if you wish.

From here on I am writing this as if I am talking to myself i am the green writing

(An email I received from a dear friend)

She likes saying 'the joys of it all' Oh I do
She has brown curly hair which she has dyed a couple of times yes
She loves kids movies like Tarzan but she loves horror stuff Indeed, how messed up is that
She loves Batman I do I do I do
She likes cooking and is brilliant at it...specially those quiches brilliant not yet
She doesn't blush obviously Thanks goodness,
She is the most couragious person i know...which doesn't mean she's never afraid I never thought of it like that
She has a messy locker now I cant forget that
She wants to do more in life than simply survive I again never looked at it from that point of view
She has a passion for injustice I forgot all about that,
She is outstandingly original most of the time
She isn't afraid of speaking and will speak her opinions  Sigh I haven’t spoken what I thought fir a while now.
She has a witty sense of humour try hard witty
She's a romantic that’s is my deepest darkest secret
She doesn't like cheese unless it's melted
She likes the smell of guy's deodorant I doooooooooo…it usually smells so GOOD!!!!
She has a flair for organising brilliant events correction in my head, they don’t always turn out right
She has a vivid imagination but it sucks when it comes out on paper
She is sometimes cynical about things  yes guilty as charged
She is gifted at encouraging you know what I an
She gives her heart away easily yeah that’s a slight problem at times. I tends to get trodden on

She hasn't had the easiest life
She is also invariably stubborn
it means that once she has an idea in her head, she won't let it go until she has at least tried it.
It means that she becomes more stubbon in her stubboness the more people try to stop her from being stubborn
It means that she will fight for what she really believes in, for the things, the people that are truly important.
It means that she WILL find out what you aren't telling her
and you can't defy those eyes...ask Mrs Cadman Oh true to all of that, I am STUBBORN!!!!!! Yay…

And all my close friends know that I WILL find out what you’re not telling me ( David, steph you both know that well)

She is unbelievably thoughtful.
She thinks of things people completely miss.
She thinks more deeply than most people dare to sigh it costs a lot though.

She is the one that I know i can depend on
that if I was dying in hospital, she'd probably offer me her kidney Oh I would I would I would. That would be so cool…
If i have a bad day, she'll somehow make it all better by simply caring

She gives her all to people
but people rarely return the favour unfortunately so and then I get hurt…

thats all so far

i feel more relaxed less choatic in my head

thanks friend

Sorry

That is like now 3 posts for one night, Isn't it crazy how you can see how special someone is?

That still doesn't make me special, whats even worse is liking a guy and knowing that this unique girl is sooner going to catch his attention rather than you.

That sucks...

but oh well, life has curves.

I just wish I was as "perfect " as the people I see around me, they might not have everything together but there is this quirkyness to them. It almost draws you in...

But if you stripped me o fmy defences and my protective gear, would Tash still be tash???

Would I be special?

I dont know, and this wholetough thing isn't really me.

I really am so very gentle and shy...

kinda weird when I think about it, but even then I'm not fully sure if the whole gentleness is me.

I have always been shy but nothing is quirky about me...

a and before i write my poem quick note

Romans 1v19
Since what may be known about God is plain to them. Because God has made it plain to them.

We dont know things(  David about the angels) because we can only see plain stuff like what we read from the bible and God has only made it plain to us. If you understand me...

Romans 1v20
For since the creation of the world Gods invisible qualities-his eternal power and divine nature- have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made so that men are with out excuse.

When ever I find life getting hard and I doubted God, I use to always come back to those verses...and as usually I forget about those verses till 5 minutes ago.

I was having a bad day and I was looking out side and it was all so beautiful and charming and I wanted to be what I saw...then I looked at my computer game I was playing and it said where are you how do you get out

then I wrote a poem...

Looking Out

The sun's shininh, birds are singing

but silent tears fall again

Alas a smile, is soon to be placed

on my face because I can't

show I'm weak, can't show

 my fears. I could scream

but no one's listening. Looking out my window,
what a splendid view, I wish I
could  reach out and grab it,
and simply place it inside
of me. I want the beauty
I want the charm
I want the gentle strength.
I thought that was all me
but where am I?
How do I get out?

We dont know

Burn

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

TAKE IT BACK

I want what I wrote back about finding me, now I'm just even more confused. I was going to delete that post but I shant because I want to remind myself that it was just ANOTHER FALSE hope. The feeling left and I just fell, fell hard. WHERE do I go now. Do I just dust myself off and get back up...


AHHHHHHHH

-breakdown goes here-

Sigh...

A little bit off topic

I had the most amazing night with some of the best people. I hosted a dinner party which was good but ALAS yet again I required help. With out the help off a close friends it would not of worked, the mixture of people was perfect. It was a bit rusty to get off but soon the convos flew and we all enjoyed a candle lit dinner. We got really personal nothing teary but just down to plain old me and you. We argued philosophy, God,magic and then we reached fears and now we all know each other that little bit better. I could write so much more but it is only for ME to cherish this most amazing memory and  for you to wish you were there.

Found!!!

Was Missing: Natassia Kimberly Ludowyke

Found her tonight, found her in a song.

Ok that was corney but if you could see the world from my eyes, you would see that I was missing. Alas I found ME...

I was listening to a song at work, and then the lyrics of the song hit me.

It was like a massive bucket of water being poored on my head waking me up.

I get the book I was reading, the reason isn't why those girls followed God but simply how they never gave up!!!!!

The question isn't why do people still belive in God, knowing my life I always aked

WHY, WHY, WHY

Any one who tried to live my life, would probably give up, I mean whole HEARTEDLY given up. 

But I haven't, the testimony isn't why i still beileve in God.

AHHHHHHHHHH, DO YOU KNOW HOW GOOD I FEEL?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Its like it was the missing piece for everything to link together...

My dear reader, if you do not understand me, try and find it because you can!!!!!

the song lyrics are written below, please dont judge the song as you will soon figure out who sings it,

have an open mind and listen to the song while following the lyrics

I can almost see itI can almost see it
That dream I am dreaming
But there's a voice inside my head saying
"You'll never reach it"

Every step I'm taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking

But I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I'm not breaking

I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep going
And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on

'Cause there's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb, yeah!

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Somebody's gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb, yeah!

Keep on moving, keep climbing
Keep the faith, baby
It's all about, it's all about the climb
Keep the faith, keep your faith, whoa

Now here are some of my thoughts next to the lyrics

I can almost see it

That dream I am dreaming
But there's a voice inside my head saying
"You'll never reach it"

I have such big dreams but not only my thoughts say i can't reach it

Every step I'm taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking

At one stage in my life, everything was a blur, nothing made sense.

I kept trying ot move forward. I was so so lost and it was beinging to cost me

My faith is better heaps better but i cna promise that no matter what i think there will be shaky times in my faith but it doesnt matter aslong as i NEVER give up

But I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

There is always goning to be more hard times in my life to come,

I know that they will hurt like hell but i know that it is a uphill battle and like the past few

months, i was losing but my testimoney is that i never gave up any one in thier right mind would be i didnt

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

I can walk this fight at any pace and i will get to the other side.

I dont know whats there but who cares
I never gave up in my climb, an dthat is what my story is, i never gave up!!

These struggle I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I'm not breaking
I'm not going to break, cause God wont let me!!! :DDDDDD