Beauty

reminder

I'm still happy, and love will conqure all

Thought #6

All I know is that I am happy, and I know that even though life still sucks it doesn't matter cause

LOVE really does conqure all

I never thought in a million years I could love some people who have caused imense amount fo pain in my life.

These people caused me to try and die

 these people sent my spiraling down into a pit of self destruction

These people made sure I knew nothign of what love, care or compassion was

these people caused me more harm in 17  years so far then what you or I can ever imagine

the box of memories i have is bottomless, miserable, desolte and dark memories

and they dont matter any more

who cares,

no one is going to ask how yoru childhood was, not even ur hubby or wife not your children

in the end its between you and God

and when you get over or open that box of memories that you have tucked away from the world

( i tucked  my memories away thinking that the world would see me as a beast, a monster)

you start to sort throught them, see whats anchoring you down

the you simply


LOVE


when you love I mean really love people like that, you know something is right in your messed up world

you cant fake this love, this love you know it when you got it


and I got it

and its not this unstable hope that i talked about in thought#3

its real hope that I think i will be able to hold on to

and i haven't been fully honest with anyone since forever,

i have even disliked you and faked liking you.

( which to me is rly mean)

but thsi is real this me and im exactly where i am supposed to be

so when you see me and see me smile

know that it is sincere and honest and that I * my name goes here*

love you,


 for who you are

 and that you are a very special person, and  that I am holding onto your hand for the rest of my life because i wont be letting go easily or with out a fight


" if the essence of my being has caused a smile to have appeard upon yoru face or a touch of joy within your heart  then in living i have made my mark"

and i hope that i have made my mark in your life cause my dear reader you have marked mine

Thought #5

Sigh I just LOVE music...

I honesty don't know what I would do without music

I love how music is so influential, you emotions suddenly can change to teh music you are listening to

I love how happy and enthusastic I can get from a simple song...

I confess its not always chirstian music I listen to but there is nothing wrong with that, cause its not like I listen to bad music

my fav song at this moment in time is strangers like me

its from TARZAN it has a good rhythem and its a song that you can belt out in yoru room and feel reallty lively...

 I know its kiddie but oh well, it makes me happy...

i suppose this is one thing that makes tash...tash.

i dont know anyoen who loves tarzan like i do Muahahaha

dont know why that deserves and evil laugh but it does

so the thought is to never ever leave music behind,

cause I NEED MUSIC and the truth is that I will forget that i love music and stop listening for a while then i will remember and all is better...

also if tarzan isnt yoru style i highly recomend norah jones...she is classy and jazzy and oh rly good

if tarzan isnt your thing but i urge u to watch the video

i also tried to lick my tounge?? cause i bit my tounge adn it hurt so i thought i would lick it liek when you bite your lip you lick your lip right

or im just really really wierd  HAHAHA

anyway

i will sign off  toodles

Butterfly

I was really bored and a drew a black and blue butterfly its kind of cynical

Thought #4

P.s quick note, i am writing this under restricted time and this thought itself is scattered around my mind and I apologize for the horrific spelling and the akward way i phrase things...

My dear readers unfortunately to my disadvantage only one of you knows my really well and I confine in her at times my inner most thoughts and feelings. Alas again only some of my inner most thoughts and feelings so I will have to explain some of me before I begin this thought. What I write today is very personal and it’s breaking my 1st rule of protecting myself, (you might say protecting me from what, well I am protecting me from you (it’s complicated)) (but as I say rules are made to be broken)

pHs what I write may seem not personal maybe boring, maybe attention seeking maybe anything but this is important to me.

Through my life; care, thoughtfulness, importance to someone or thing and encouragement have been big things to me. I treat everybody like that even if I don’t like them but not often does one return the favour. I will write notes to my friends and I will go the to end of the world and back for you/them. I make my close friends a priority in my life and I will do anything. I want someone to randomly write me a note and encourage me like what I do or encourage me or make me FEEL like I am a priority but more than often I don’t feel like that and I find that at times that can get me down. It’s almost like a weakness in me and please don’t cities me for wanting this; please don’t judge me for thinking like this. I am afraid of wanting this and of not having this and please don’t think me silly for being afraid.

I got given a quote yesterday,

“Bravery is not doing some with no fear; bravery is going through something with fear”

That might not make sense to you but this person like many other people told me I was brave and more then often I don’t feel brave and I didn’t feel brave writing this post but when I get to my actual thought you might be able to get a better grasp on what I am saying.

So here is my thought,

I always thought that it must be the devil depriving me of this encouragement feeling etc...So like at planet shakers the pastor told everyone in the stadium to put a hand on the person next to them, right so he told the whole stadium and NO ONE put a hand on me and I yelled at God. Also a friend was saying something nice to all his close friends and the best thing he said was that he got my email. And yet again I yelled at God those are a few recent examples but those meant something to me. I finally got to a stage where I realised that I was depending on humans

I was depending on ppl like you for comfort and I could say refuge and I gave up on you today and then I realised that I need to place this want in God.

Any way I’m sick of writing I will be off to enjoy my grounding, yeah that right I’m grounded for the rest of the holidays...

Thought # 3

I don't really know what this thought is, I had it just before.

Ok I think this is the thought i was thinking.

I hate how when your struggling with God, you find something to cling on to.
Some unique form of a supposed "hope"
You spend time or any spare moment to ponder about this shred of hope only to have it torn from you.

And when this hope is torn from you, it isnt some measly little memory or thought that tore that hope from you its
big, its something that played a major role in maybe shaping you or your thoughts.

Ahhhh, and to try and move past this thought is excruciatingly painful.

Thats all for this thought

Caught

Got caught today, caught in reality.

I got caught not knowing who I was...

I was mixing up what was real and what was fake...

Then I utterly confused myself.

I was trying to figure what I did or was naturaly or did fake

I had to ask some friends and their reply’s really humbled me…they said stuff about me that I never thought of. When you live like I have lived it’s a hard task trying to act one way and then in and instant behave differently. Soon (like me) you mix these two worlds. You wind up with chaos circling your head.

This post is more for me and putting my thoughts down but if you continue to read you will learn more about the real Natassia, which could be a bad thing because you will might think about things and realised I was fake with you or even lied to you and I am sorry if that occurs but you are welcome to read if you wish.

From here on I am writing this as if I am talking to myself i am the green writing

(An email I received from a dear friend)

She likes saying 'the joys of it all' Oh I do
She has brown curly hair which she has dyed a couple of times yes
She loves kids movies like Tarzan but she loves horror stuff Indeed, how messed up is that
She loves Batman I do I do I do
She likes cooking and is brilliant at it...specially those quiches brilliant not yet
She doesn't blush obviously Thanks goodness,
She is the most couragious person i know...which doesn't mean she's never afraid I never thought of it like that
She has a messy locker now I cant forget that
She wants to do more in life than simply survive I again never looked at it from that point of view
She has a passion for injustice I forgot all about that,
She is outstandingly original most of the time
She isn't afraid of speaking and will speak her opinions  Sigh I haven’t spoken what I thought fir a while now.
She has a witty sense of humour try hard witty
She's a romantic that’s is my deepest darkest secret
She doesn't like cheese unless it's melted
She likes the smell of guy's deodorant I doooooooooo…it usually smells so GOOD!!!!
She has a flair for organising brilliant events correction in my head, they don’t always turn out right
She has a vivid imagination but it sucks when it comes out on paper
She is sometimes cynical about things  yes guilty as charged
She is gifted at encouraging you know what I an
She gives her heart away easily yeah that’s a slight problem at times. I tends to get trodden on

She hasn't had the easiest life
She is also invariably stubborn
it means that once she has an idea in her head, she won't let it go until she has at least tried it.
It means that she becomes more stubbon in her stubboness the more people try to stop her from being stubborn
It means that she will fight for what she really believes in, for the things, the people that are truly important.
It means that she WILL find out what you aren't telling her
and you can't defy those eyes...ask Mrs Cadman Oh true to all of that, I am STUBBORN!!!!!! Yay…

And all my close friends know that I WILL find out what you’re not telling me ( David, steph you both know that well)

She is unbelievably thoughtful.
She thinks of things people completely miss.
She thinks more deeply than most people dare to sigh it costs a lot though.

She is the one that I know i can depend on
that if I was dying in hospital, she'd probably offer me her kidney Oh I would I would I would. That would be so cool…
If i have a bad day, she'll somehow make it all better by simply caring

She gives her all to people
but people rarely return the favour unfortunately so and then I get hurt…

thats all so far

i feel more relaxed less choatic in my head

thanks friend

Sorry

That is like now 3 posts for one night, Isn't it crazy how you can see how special someone is?

That still doesn't make me special, whats even worse is liking a guy and knowing that this unique girl is sooner going to catch his attention rather than you.

That sucks...

but oh well, life has curves.

I just wish I was as "perfect " as the people I see around me, they might not have everything together but there is this quirkyness to them. It almost draws you in...

But if you stripped me o fmy defences and my protective gear, would Tash still be tash???

Would I be special?

I dont know, and this wholetough thing isn't really me.

I really am so very gentle and shy...

kinda weird when I think about it, but even then I'm not fully sure if the whole gentleness is me.

I have always been shy but nothing is quirky about me...

a and before i write my poem quick note

Romans 1v19
Since what may be known about God is plain to them. Because God has made it plain to them.

We dont know things(  David about the angels) because we can only see plain stuff like what we read from the bible and God has only made it plain to us. If you understand me...

Romans 1v20
For since the creation of the world Gods invisible qualities-his eternal power and divine nature- have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made so that men are with out excuse.

When ever I find life getting hard and I doubted God, I use to always come back to those verses...and as usually I forget about those verses till 5 minutes ago.

I was having a bad day and I was looking out side and it was all so beautiful and charming and I wanted to be what I saw...then I looked at my computer game I was playing and it said where are you how do you get out

then I wrote a poem...

Looking Out

The sun's shininh, birds are singing

but silent tears fall again

Alas a smile, is soon to be placed

on my face because I can't

show I'm weak, can't show

 my fears. I could scream

but no one's listening. Looking out my window,
what a splendid view, I wish I
could  reach out and grab it,
and simply place it inside
of me. I want the beauty
I want the charm
I want the gentle strength.
I thought that was all me
but where am I?
How do I get out?

We dont know

Burn

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

TAKE IT BACK

I want what I wrote back about finding me, now I'm just even more confused. I was going to delete that post but I shant because I want to remind myself that it was just ANOTHER FALSE hope. The feeling left and I just fell, fell hard. WHERE do I go now. Do I just dust myself off and get back up...


AHHHHHHHH

-breakdown goes here-

Sigh...

A little bit off topic

I had the most amazing night with some of the best people. I hosted a dinner party which was good but ALAS yet again I required help. With out the help off a close friends it would not of worked, the mixture of people was perfect. It was a bit rusty to get off but soon the convos flew and we all enjoyed a candle lit dinner. We got really personal nothing teary but just down to plain old me and you. We argued philosophy, God,magic and then we reached fears and now we all know each other that little bit better. I could write so much more but it is only for ME to cherish this most amazing memory and  for you to wish you were there.

Found!!!

Was Missing: Natassia Kimberly Ludowyke

Found her tonight, found her in a song.

Ok that was corney but if you could see the world from my eyes, you would see that I was missing. Alas I found ME...

I was listening to a song at work, and then the lyrics of the song hit me.

It was like a massive bucket of water being poored on my head waking me up.

I get the book I was reading, the reason isn't why those girls followed God but simply how they never gave up!!!!!

The question isn't why do people still belive in God, knowing my life I always aked

WHY, WHY, WHY

Any one who tried to live my life, would probably give up, I mean whole HEARTEDLY given up. 

But I haven't, the testimony isn't why i still beileve in God.

AHHHHHHHHHH, DO YOU KNOW HOW GOOD I FEEL?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Its like it was the missing piece for everything to link together...

My dear reader, if you do not understand me, try and find it because you can!!!!!

the song lyrics are written below, please dont judge the song as you will soon figure out who sings it,

have an open mind and listen to the song while following the lyrics

I can almost see itI can almost see it
That dream I am dreaming
But there's a voice inside my head saying
"You'll never reach it"

Every step I'm taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking

But I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I'm not breaking

I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep going
And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on

'Cause there's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb, yeah!

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Somebody's gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb, yeah!

Keep on moving, keep climbing
Keep the faith, baby
It's all about, it's all about the climb
Keep the faith, keep your faith, whoa

Now here are some of my thoughts next to the lyrics

I can almost see it

That dream I am dreaming
But there's a voice inside my head saying
"You'll never reach it"

I have such big dreams but not only my thoughts say i can't reach it

Every step I'm taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking

At one stage in my life, everything was a blur, nothing made sense.

I kept trying ot move forward. I was so so lost and it was beinging to cost me

My faith is better heaps better but i cna promise that no matter what i think there will be shaky times in my faith but it doesnt matter aslong as i NEVER give up

But I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

There is always goning to be more hard times in my life to come,

I know that they will hurt like hell but i know that it is a uphill battle and like the past few

months, i was losing but my testimoney is that i never gave up any one in thier right mind would be i didnt

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

I can walk this fight at any pace and i will get to the other side.

I dont know whats there but who cares
I never gave up in my climb, an dthat is what my story is, i never gave up!!

These struggle I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I'm not breaking
I'm not going to break, cause God wont let me!!! :DDDDDD

BLAH

I don't know what to write, maybe I should start with the truth. There is so much going on right now in my mind. I don't know if I am a christian any more. I feel like God is just blatantly laughing at me. Its like God is out to prove me wrong!!! I don't understand what my purpose in life is. I dont knwo who I am anymore, because who I am now, is not who I want to be. I wish I didn't have so many problems, I wish I didn't have to rely on my friends so much. I feel like I rely on them way way way to much. I feel like I coudl write a million pages on what I feel. I don't know whether I want to remain sullen and uncontent with life or whether to poor my heart out on a "blog".

I wish someone looked out for me they way I look out for others, I want some one to look out for not always it being vice versa. No matter how hard I wish, or pray it nevers happens.

Reading my old diaries, how I have changed so much. It is like life has phases, and I have moved into another "phase".

Wish I could help people more than I do, wish I could be someone bigger and better than who I am.

 I know what I want to do-ish when I finish school, but its going to take like minimum 9 years of uni to do. I mean why waste that time, I want to get out  now, leave this horrible life behind and go... never look back. Live somewhere else, and teach but there is a slight problem in that plan because I had planned to teach Gods love through everything, that was my ulitmate plan but now I'm not so sure with God.

 I wish I had every thing all together but then I wish i could just sit down and cry.  But life doesn't allow you to step out for a moment you got to keep up and cross your fingers and hope for the best.

At youth group on friday, finally just lost it, I just walked out outside and wept, it was the realest emotion i have felt in a while. Everything I really felt came out,  wanted my closest friend next to me but as per usually they weren't there. I hold nothing against them that they weren't there, i just wanted so badly for them to be sitting next to me.

thats all