Thought # 13

I am trying so hard to give God my life, give him control. I realised that as much as I had said that I had given God my life I really hadn't because I wasn't giving him control over my life but showing him end results of things. It is so hard, and sometimes I think that God had control of my life when I was younger and look at how that turned out

I grew up strong, independent, brave, courageous and so closed up.

People say how being strong, independent, brave and courageous is are gifts that most people don't have and how I am so lucky. They say that it is a good thing but for me it so isn't, why can't I be weak???

People have all these analogy's like there is me pushing against a rocl which is my life and when I move the rock I will be so strong.

What the hell, who put the rock there??? I don't want it there, who aksed me to make me life bad?

And I am so vein, so conceited and selfish!!!

I am such a bad person and sometimes I feel like you people don't understand that about me, i am not good!

I want God in my life so much, but sometimes, I feel that I just can't let him in!

Why should I? Tell me why!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I try so hard, I try to do thr right things, but I have my plans for my life I dont really know what Gods plans are for my life.

I have declared that God is in my life but at this moment in time as much as I have declared I haven't let him in.

And i want to so bad, but i am so scared!!! So so so scared,

Sometimes I wish I was wise