Thought # 10

I think I am happy, like over everything.

It’s hard to explain so bear with me,

I haven't overcome these fears I have but i have stopped avoiding them.

I don't lie any more

I am honest

I have confidence in who I am

I can fluke this sort of confidence usually and no one can tell.

But now it’s real, I am trying to put aside everything that is holding me back

I am struggling like crazy,

I got to a point in life; I don't think my description will do it justice

But when you reach so low in life, all these suicide thoughts cross your mind,

And you feel this immense happiness if you jumped off that building or stepped out in front of that car.

I really can't describe that feeling, you know it if you got it.

I still over think things and worry excessively as people keep finding out,

I can be extremely shy; only 2 people did know that. SO funny though

~just slipping in a memory here~

Hung out with David and he figured out that I was shy, it was so funny.

I clearly was in denial and it was like he had found out my deepest darkest secret. He was laughing and jumping around, we then went to anthem and he ran around anthem telling people and the absolute funniest thing was that no one believed him!!! LOL

That’s was hilarious.

I'm going through this phase atm where I don't really liked to be touched, if you give me a hug I won’t return it, don't know why.

Also still don't want to get married.

Might get past that maybe not.

Love is a big word with a big meaning

And can you say you love someone???

Not sure...but i think it may be too much to say im in love

Not sure?

Love is a huge call!!!!!

Although I do love my friends, tonnes and tonnes!!!

Seriously though readers,

HOPE

We all go through tough times,

Death of loved ones
Abuse
Loneliness
Burdens of society
Ourselves

But HOPE,

If you don't take time for God, it isn't getting you any where

Talk to God 24/7 about everything.

He wants to hear it all even though he knows it.

Toodles

LAME

I'm now a lame person, not over my crush.

Am I stupid, probably.

Don't know what to think?

What should i think, am I imature?

Who knows, who cares?

Pfft...oh well

i can guess that some of my readers are probably tsk tsking me

or laughing or thinking im lame

but tally ho

Happy?

Im so content right now, listening to Taylor Swift.

Shud probs stop listening to love songs!!!!

Sigh but you know what "crushes" are SO LAME!!!

mind you i just got over my own lil crush... but yeah

ahh i watched mulan and i cried at the end...

how retarded am i???

LOL

any way

toodles

Thought #9

HOPE

Romance

I love hearing the rain fall, it’s almost soothing to my restless heart

I danced in the rain, waltzed to be specific. SO romantic even if  I was dancing with Bianca...

But then for that moment you gaze up and the rain dances across your face

The beauty is awe binding and all you can do is gasp and try and take as much in as you can for that moment.

Then you lower your head to look in to your partner’s eyes

Any you know everything is right at that moment in time

Then you come inside, wet but so content

And no matter what you’re happy for that moment with a honest smile that crosses your face

 and after all that "romance" bianca got a date LOL

and i got an answer to my questions.

Like a massive WOW, like bucket of ice cold water was thown on me

i want to share it with some close friends but the timing isn't just right yet

i really like the word moment and i really like writing teh word individual

Thought # 8

I don't want this anymore. I don't want to live. I want everything to go away. I want to be a better person but trying my hardest isn't good enough. Can't please anyone anymore. I don't want to take my own life away. I want something else to happen. Everything just hurts.

 

Got to a breaking point and I broke

 

I can't belive I broke, I thought i could keep it all together

 

I thought i could keep running the race of life but i can't

 

not the way i am right now

 

 

Thought #7

This is both a thought and an experience, and other thoughts scattered through.

I have good table manners, I am polite and I thank my parents ( mentally) all the time that they have taught me well. You see I was out for dinner with "bogans" and  " non bogans" and I will be forever grateful for having the manners of a non bogan person. *insert extremely happy smile*

Also you know the TV add when it talks about safe drivers and that guy parks in the massive space???
Well my aunt parks like that, I was in stiches when she parked like that!!!

I look good in photos, mind you I do practise.

I am good at cooking things that I make up without a recipe

I like drawing, I used to draw and paint but I stopped and I wasn't half bad but I have picked it up again. Althougth I need new paints and paint brushes. Might get it when I next go to knox?

Another thought I need to go back to church. I used to be the biggest church addict, I was there all the time any chance I could get. I would volunteer for everything, I miss that. I miss the friendships that I formed. I will forever regret focusing on the bad things and leaving church. Sigh

Any way, thats all for tonight

Toodles, sweet dreams