Happiness may only come in fleeting moments but we can make it last forever if we can treasure each moment. If we hold captive the memory and refuse to let it go and not let anything cloud the memory.

Don't you ever find, that to find that sweetness in life you have an after taste the makes you forget the sweetness because it is so bitter?

Life becomes a count of how many scars you have and how you are dying to be healed, dying for the "perfect" person to just come and be everything that you need.

We begin this search for something just to fill us, satisfy our hunger our need, this thirst for somesort of fairytale to be your story.

We walk right past God but stop to ask him for healing, fulfilment and that "perfect" person.

Funny thing but it doesn't work out like that...

Yeah we got scars and at times we hide them or "show-them-off"

nothing is ever consistant, not even God.

i wish I could make God consistant in my life...

I wish I could fill my all my needs with God, to have no more hunger or wants or thirst for anything but God and his plan for my life.

First step I guess is accepting my flaws and changing the ones I can change, how often do we just try and forget our flaws or brush it off?

I want to be different, really just be a role model and someone to look up to for God...

I want to have a purpose and to make a difference, not in a history textbook but in the lives and hearts of many people who know can have the God I have, no have every hunger, thirst and wants filled with God.

I have this thing were I see what i want from movies, I want some guy to sweep me off my feet but chances are he will drop me almost straight after picking me up, I'm crazy!!

gtg to bed its 1am =D have a plan and figure something out so life evolves around God! I want to be quenched and have my imagination blown up by God. Just require some tweaking and fixing.

A smile can hide all those ugly truths
Simple skills forbade observent gazes to learn anything
In a moment when my smile fades isn't enough for one to see through the mask

But now I'm lost, stuck in the realms of my mind
Lonliness is my prison walls which never let me go

Pain and misery is now an addiction
Can't survive with out my dose

Each dose is another layer a strength to my prision walls
Each dose is driving me deeper into my mind

A beautiful mind now dissolving into bleakness
Who can find me, if I can't?

Being born wasn't my choice, it was merely a gift. A gift of life, twas never promised to be good and perfect but for me now perfect is having flaws. God over time became a name that had no meaning other than Sunday school and school itself. God was who I went to for my needs which at 7 was a doll. I always believed, never doubted and God was my little resting place in which I placed my little girl fantasy's and dreams. I never asked about why I got abused, never questioned Gods love because God was holding my hand and I believed it 100% but somewhere along that line something changed which I wished it hadn't. I remember that feeling of not understanding anything but not even caring. Yes something would happen and it would hurt but the next day was a new day and what worth was yesterday because whatever happened it was past. (I was smarter when i was younger) Memories come and go and leave me with only a bitter taste in my mouth but without those there would never be a sweetness that comes. I grew up and in those circumstances developed to my enviroment which didnt end up to well. I could lie to a person who was meant to be able to tell the difference between the truth and lie. I never changed a bit till 2009, but who would know how dishonest I was?  God had become just a name one mentioned to fit into at school, I would give anything for someone to come and save me before year 9. These walls I have and bad habits are like superglued to me, I struggle all the time to break them. It just hasnt worked yet and as life heads into a downward spiral, I just care less and less. Wish I could go back to been young and think how I used too! I could make you cry if I wanted too but I dont, I dont want any more tears but I want to enjoy life. If I dont grasp it now, I never will! The past is always going to hurt and I can't change it and yes I am very messed up and quite a bad person but only I can change that and the sooner the better but its like an addiction. I am seriously now not able to function without some sort of misery. My brain has created this sort of thing that causes me to need misery and pain and without I can't cope. So in other words, im screwed! This boy came and messed everything up, even though he doesn't know I will forever be in his debt. He changed me because he reached the core, the core of me and from there I was stuck. He knew, some one knew me like no one else but they were perfect, they had flaws and messed up. They tore me apart from the core, and i guess im back to the start back to the walls which silenced me for so long. Bu tlife goes on and tomorrow is a new day which will bringem something new! I will break my silence and bring down my walls and it is to be done with God. But there is one problem I cant reach God yet, I can't focus on myself, I can't stand myself and to reach God I have to accept his love for me which isn't happening.

I thought that if I were given the oppertunity to change I would but when I begin to take away the bleakness of my life, the per say darkness of my life but the light seems to fade with the darkness gone. I hate how having flaws makes me human and how even if a million people starred at a picture not one would percieve it the same as another person. Its how we never know what people are thinking and how we just assume and guess. Damn life, who cares! What does it matter, we are built to fail in this world. We can never ever ever be good enough for people or the world. And people wonder why I have walls built up, I would prefer people not waiting for me to fail. I would prefer if people didnt assume things and stop trying to read me. I lose it at times like many people but that doesn't mean you can read my body language and expect to know whats going on in my mind. It just doesnt work like that.

I hate that I care so much, I hate giving  a damn!!