Being born wasn't my choice, it was merely a gift. A gift of life, twas never promised to be good and perfect but for me now perfect is having flaws. God over time became a name that had no meaning other than Sunday school and school itself. God was who I went to for my needs which at 7 was a doll. I always believed, never doubted and God was my little resting place in which I placed my little girl fantasy's and dreams. I never asked about why I got abused, never questioned Gods love because God was holding my hand and I believed it 100% but somewhere along that line something changed which I wished it hadn't. I remember that feeling of not understanding anything but not even caring. Yes something would happen and it would hurt but the next day was a new day and what worth was yesterday because whatever happened it was past. (I was smarter when i was younger) Memories come and go and leave me with only a bitter taste in my mouth but without those there would never be a sweetness that comes. I grew up and in those circumstances developed to my enviroment which didnt end up to well. I could lie to a person who was meant to be able to tell the difference between the truth and lie. I never changed a bit till 2009, but who would know how dishonest I was?  God had become just a name one mentioned to fit into at school, I would give anything for someone to come and save me before year 9. These walls I have and bad habits are like superglued to me, I struggle all the time to break them. It just hasnt worked yet and as life heads into a downward spiral, I just care less and less. Wish I could go back to been young and think how I used too! I could make you cry if I wanted too but I dont, I dont want any more tears but I want to enjoy life. If I dont grasp it now, I never will! The past is always going to hurt and I can't change it and yes I am very messed up and quite a bad person but only I can change that and the sooner the better but its like an addiction. I am seriously now not able to function without some sort of misery. My brain has created this sort of thing that causes me to need misery and pain and without I can't cope. So in other words, im screwed! This boy came and messed everything up, even though he doesn't know I will forever be in his debt. He changed me because he reached the core, the core of me and from there I was stuck. He knew, some one knew me like no one else but they were perfect, they had flaws and messed up. They tore me apart from the core, and i guess im back to the start back to the walls which silenced me for so long. Bu tlife goes on and tomorrow is a new day which will bringem something new! I will break my silence and bring down my walls and it is to be done with God. But there is one problem I cant reach God yet, I can't focus on myself, I can't stand myself and to reach God I have to accept his love for me which isn't happening.