solution

After searching for God and healing I think I have found it.

It might take me years but now I have found it it means I can loosen up on eg. David.

I always "held" him to tight afraid to let go thinking I might loose him because sometimes it felt like I had nothign else to hold on to.

I got a mentor, she is 40ish and when she too was young she was abused.

This all happen because God gave her a vision...

Her visions were that I was standing close to God but there was this powerful wind that seemed to separate us and that God said the wind took you away once but I will never let it happen again.

then she said that she saw me in a empty room, there was nothing in this room because it had been stolen from me.

She said how things like who i am, my identity has been stolen.

She couldn't have gotten it any better, it kind of creeped me out.

And alas the tears came but they soon went and we went out for dinner...indian!!!

any way she gave me a lift home and we talked, and I asked her why you, why me?

( you see, I always ask pastor and what not why, why did this happen. they all say cause God has a plan and that is not a satisfying answer)

she said because God gave us free will and those people chose to hurt you, God didn't abandon us. But he gave those people free will and he can't take it away.

My head had ceased spinning momentarily

it slike this great big reassurance has washed over me that every thing is going to be ok.

SO i will take this opportunity to sincerley apologize to:

David, I'm sorry for everything!!!!

Renee I'm sorry for been to harsh on you, and taking you forgranted. I dont know what i would do with out my weekly  make the minutely phone calls.

Steph, sorry for pressuring you, and been to harsh on you. Thanks for slapping me back when I was rude and stuck in my own little world.

You guys are my world, you must understand that, You guys are what I live for, you dont understand how bad home has gotten because I haven't told you. You guys what keeps me going and what i look forward too everyday i come to school. I love you

-Tash