Ok

attempt number 100000000000000000000000000000

at the God thing

trying a new approch

will inform you soon

Having a nice chat with missy!

We started on my expectations of my friends and how I use to pray that prayer and how God answered it in his own way. God showed me a glimpse of his plans for my friends and its like I get to see my friends grow and fulfil the plans.

It really is great to watch and see them become so annoited and blessed by God sometimes I wish I could see myself but I can't.

Missy likes her expectations that I have for her, now we are discussing Fifi...

I am so proud of her, proud of you all. You are all growing and fulfilling Gods plans and you are all so amazing!

David dont read the next sentence!!!

David was great on stage today

proud of him and how he is going

so nervous when I got on stage, I dont even remember what I said but i am glad it is over

toodles

It was so funny how good today was seeing that i woke up and I said I don't want to be me

Then me being me proceeded to change my mind twenty million times!!!

I like life just the way it is, with all the pain and suffering I just couldn't be any better!

No sarcasm there honestly, I am good with God and good with all my friends and and and I made a new friend!

I have a bad habit to dwell on the past and someone told me not to because it is the past and I can't change it
not even if I buy a time machine!!!

I just am so happy it is good

I am getting better at standing on my own two left feet,(I am clumsy)

It is good, its like I finally got it through my thick head that I am unique and special

and who cares what any on else thinks, I like me

any way I am bored and will call someone to entertain myself

Could I make a bigger fool of myself, probably not.

I swear I have mental blocks that prevent me from seeing and thinking anything else

Lets just say I feel like I made a fool of myself yesterday and today infront of David

A major fool and apologising isnt good enough, I wish I would change or I could do something.

I don't want to be tolerated

Just another clumsy mistake on my behalf AGAIN!!!!

Got upset today, still am but it doesn't require anyones help

its personal and I am not willing to share

My cousin could almost be my clone, she is wicked and so I am going to visit her in September.

She renamed me Widget ( see photo below)



and so she bought me a dogtag with Widget written on it! ( see picture below)

 Then I bought I cool as pencil ( see picture below)

Can't be bothered with titles anymore,

Haven't blogged since tuesday which wasn't long ago, nothing much has happened.

Feeling lonely at this moment guess I should talk to God, although I can't say I am very receptive to him.

That is something I can work on, my mind has been replaying tuesday over and over and over again.

It just strikes so much pain in my heart, I always tried to bargain a deal with God, I said take the pain from all my friends, take the demons away from David, take the uncertainty away from renee fill the hole in steph and give me all their burdens. I prayed that prayer every day, all I wanted was for them to have no pain and suffering and to live great lives and that i could carry all that pain for them.

Kinda lame prayer but it was what I wanted, God never granted it but i suppose thats a good thing.

I just hated the fact that on tuesday I got mad and people saw me get mad and it was like a glimpise of the tash inside, all this pain anger and anguish came flooding out and no one could convince me other wise of God.

I wanted God to bless me with more than just the talent of serving and I eventually realised that he has blessed me with strength.

His strength and I can't take all my friends pain away, but I can take some and I can help them through life and I can help others thus social worker is looking like a good career option.

I can do that anywhere, you know I am not just restricted to Australia

and recently I have been talking to God sorry this thought is intimate

God said that he doesn't want me to be afraid of the future, life can get low but because he has blessed me with strength I can get right back up and that one day he will grant me a husband like no other. I questioned God and he said he wants me to grow up and marry because I need someone to look after me while I try and look after the world. I was like shucks God thanks, that made my day.

I will phone a friend and tell them about my weekend tomorrow,

anyway im tired

night

tash

My adventure story chapter 1

I went to the prayer meeting because I didn't want to stay at home and my friends were going to be there.
I got there and it was going ok, we did some worship then we discussed everything and we talked about what we want to see happening in school. It was great, we came to a conclusion and we began to pray for it and it was so hard seeing all these people putting out everything for God to move. Then Gunny said is there anyone who needs prayer and then Gunny went first and we prayed for him and I conclude the prayers with nice prayer. Then I suggested that David should go in the circle and let us pray for him seeing as he isn't good with God. He declined and then explained why and somehow I persuaded him to eventually come into the circle which for me was like mind balling because I was saying things that I don't usually say or share with anyone and I promised him that everything would be even better after we prayer for him. I gave him good logic to think about it which isn't what I do but he came into the circle and people started praying for him and I knew exactly what David was talking about and how it felt because I was feeling it and as I saw people praying for him I just couldn't stand to watch it, so I walked out. I was becoming this one major angry person and I was about to hit something when Alex stood in front of me, I almost punch him. LOL then I just told him what I was thinking and it went along the lines as to why did I persuade David to get prayed for or why did I pray well for Gunny. You know, I do want them to be happier but I want them to suffer like me. I don't know what I am doing and I was getting worked up when Britt's parents came and then I figured well seeing as I got this I might as well pray for David and thus I did and again it was a good prayer, the holy spirit spoke through it like many other prayers I have said. Then I took my anger out on Renee's cabinet. LOL Then I asked if anyone else needed prayer and then Renee was like how about you (me) and I was like NO WAY!!! Then I got angry and as people spoke I just shot them down, and then steph tried to say something and I cut her off and she burst into tears and I just wanted to run and hold her in my arms and beg her not to weep. Then people kept saying stuff and I continued to harden up then Jack said I won’t pray for you until you become selfish not selfless and I shot that down and explained how I am selfish and I said it on my blog and what not but deep inside it hit me like a bucket of ice been thrown on me. Then David kind of stormed towards me and I was like What the hell and tried to step back but I had people and a cabinet behind me so I could go nowhere. HE just layed a HEAVY hand, he was like pushing on my shoulder and I wanted to punch him, and Renee said that they had to hold him back! I was about to punch him when Bianca held my hand so he got lucky. People around me were all crying and praying and I felt that I was hurting them then Jack came and I talked to him about everything that was crossing my mind and how I felt that I was hurting these people around me then him and Alex said, "Tash you are been prayed for and you are worried that you are hurting these people how is that selfish. We are praying for you this is about you and you are worried about all these people instead of you! YOU ARE NOT SELFISH!!!!" We continued and then we finished, get slightly awkward when it finishes and people laughed at my thoughts mind you I kept contradicting myself in what I said which might be the base for the laughter. Then we relaxed and then Bianca kept tickling me, it was funny. I made foreign high pitched squealing noises.

I think that was a great story, and maybe there will be more but that was adventure of a life time!!!

My adventure story #1

If cruel difference of opinions can hurt me at that moment consequently honest words can help me at that instant too?

If my family can attain to get me down then the bible can get me up

I am challenging myself to make these verses, listed below, mean something to me.

I will make them lift me up when mean words get me down.

(just a thought I don't know if when my family is mean to me whether they realise it, does it cross their mind the words they are saying??)

Duet 31 v 6
Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you or forsake you.

Psalm 139 v 13
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

Jeremiah 29 v 11
For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans for a hope and a future.

That is my challenge, and I enquire of you to assist me to retain accountable since my cherished readers, you altogether are wiser than me as profusely abhorrence saying it. You are wiser than me, I'm not naive and not expressive but I am all chaotic.

Im sorry

I got mad at God, mad cause I wan thim in my life and I am so stubborn I don't want to work at it. I want it now because I think that I deserve it now. I got mad because it wasn't and then I spoke to David and I just let words flow, half the time they didn't make sense. He kept saying "I don't understand your english" and I was all over the place, and saying things that were stupid and meaning less.

I really dug myself into 2 holes

1. Knowing God hole

2. Stupidity/failure hole

more number 2, I feel like such an idiot and i feel that its reasons like these that david needed space from me

di dyou hear all that

i feel way to much!!! Im like an emotional bomb that keeps exploding

I dont know where to go from here,

But David made something clear, I do have confidence in God and i have faith

I have faith, who cares if it isn't much, i have it  and God gave me a promise and God can't break promises.

So take that you bastard,
I don't like pain, and I dont want more but there isn't any way around it so i might as well go through life and pain and God

and come out with friends like david and renee

and a daddy like God all beside me!!

Take that again you nimrod (aka as the devil)

I realise that I dont persevere very well, LOL

i see what romans meant, honestly David I'm all good just lashed out in anger

Anthem Camp 2011

Day One Monday 11^th July

Watched little mermaid and enchanted. David doesn’t have high expectations of camp, I tried to boost it. Got to camp unpacked, some ice breaker games and then my team the Rice cookers had to cook dinner which was spag boll. It tasted bad and people treated me like I was an idiot who couldn’t cook.  I was very frustrated by the end of dinner; I sat next to David for a bit but left to cool off. I want to give God influence and guidance over my life.  Service number 1, I was excited but the speaker was so boring that I fell asleep. The theme for camp is faith, hope and love. Jerri started crying and I didn’t know what to do so Tim talked to her, the night over all was ok, could have been better.

Day two Tuesday 12^th July

Got to have coco pops for brekkie, YUM! Meandered around until service 2 which alas was more boring than service 1, I fell asleep again. I went up for alter call about getting a breakthrough in camp, Ally gave me Romans 5 v 1-3. I read it and didn’t understand it, so I asked Josh later and him and I had a great chat, great because it opened my eyes, he asked me who I trusted and I said no one, he asked how my relationship with God was and I said what relationship, he asked about my hope and I said I have little hope.  After realising what I said, I was like OH now I know what I need to work on.  We talked until service 3, that I can’t remember in my diary I drew flowers and clouds and birds, can’t you tell I was so interested. Didn’t do much until service 4, We started worship and then half way through it, Josh said get on your knees if you haven’t worshiped God like that, so I did, then we sung our own personal song to God then we asked for the Holy spirit to come and talk to us, I want it so bad, so very very very very bad!!!! And i didn’t get it, I was utterly disappointed. I ran out and cried then went in and listened to the rest of the service. 3 people came up to me later and talked to me they said:

1.       My walls are so strong, they are so mighty and that I need to bring them down.

2.       My smile, it shines and makes people smile too, so never stop smiling.

3.       To be proud of my God given talent.

I always wanted to have a God given talent in sport, academic studies or wisdom I didn’t want my God given talent or servitude. I didn’t want to serve I want to be something else. Btu the guy I talked to said that I am way to negative, I need to be proud of being a servant and accept Gods love. Then after all that just went to bed.

Day three Wednesday 13^th July

I wasn’t grumpy this morning which is good and after my serve of coco pops had a dnm with David but it was rudely interrupted but that’s ok. Then service 5 which talked about the healing of our sins, and I went up again to be healed but I didn’t feel any different afterwards. Then my team did lunch which was burgers that was easy and people liked it,   Had a trivia game, which was ok then dinner which was rice that was yum too. After dinner felt terrible so I just sat on a chair in the corner and one could say sulked, after dinner David came and talked to me, we talked about a lot of things and this conversation went on for 1.5 hours. Then service 6 I had my expectations which were:

1. Wisdom

2. Love

3. Relationship with God

4. Healing

5. Forgiveness

I want to do Gods plan for my life, I want to fulfil them but I can’t do that if he isn’t in my life. So I feel like a complete and utter FAILURE, I feel as if I have failed life, failed everything and that I am worthless and stupid. Then God healed my knee, this growth I had in my knee disappeared which was phenomenal and I was like WOW, I almost fell down in shock but Jo Cho caught me. Then as the night progressed it got a bit dull then he did this thing called the tunnel of fire which is about just feeling God and having the Holy Spirit flow over you and that is exactly what happened. My turn came and I was too scared to go in, jack held my hand and walked me in and halfway into it I fell to my knees, it wasn’t like something was pushing me down it was like I couldn’t stand in the presence of God and thus I fell to my knees. I mainly fell to my knees because i told God I could stand in his presence which you can't then AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We worshiped till 2am got to bed at a bit past 3am.

Day 4 Thursday 14^th July

I slept talk and literally in my sleep very loudly exclaimed POTATOES!!! Hahahahaha, now everyone is calling my potato, sigh bus home was good, slept and David sat next to me again, which was weird because that isn’t like him, but we spent most of the trip in silence listening to our music. Then I had a revelation what if an autobot transformed into the go go gadget car, how cool!!!!!

That was camp, one of the best times of my life, even though I haven’t gotten my expectations yet doesn’t mean they won’t come and I have renamed my blog My adventure because as I talked to David he asked me whether this was going to be an adventure and the idea hit me, I was like it is my adventure with God and I will receive my expectations one day and God and I will form a great relationship cause life is an adventure you never know what is going to happen and you get to have fun with it.

Thought # 13

I am trying so hard to give God my life, give him control. I realised that as much as I had said that I had given God my life I really hadn't because I wasn't giving him control over my life but showing him end results of things. It is so hard, and sometimes I think that God had control of my life when I was younger and look at how that turned out

I grew up strong, independent, brave, courageous and so closed up.

People say how being strong, independent, brave and courageous is are gifts that most people don't have and how I am so lucky. They say that it is a good thing but for me it so isn't, why can't I be weak???

People have all these analogy's like there is me pushing against a rocl which is my life and when I move the rock I will be so strong.

What the hell, who put the rock there??? I don't want it there, who aksed me to make me life bad?

And I am so vein, so conceited and selfish!!!

I am such a bad person and sometimes I feel like you people don't understand that about me, i am not good!

I want God in my life so much, but sometimes, I feel that I just can't let him in!

Why should I? Tell me why!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I try so hard, I try to do thr right things, but I have my plans for my life I dont really know what Gods plans are for my life.

I have declared that God is in my life but at this moment in time as much as I have declared I haven't let him in.

And i want to so bad, but i am so scared!!! So so so scared,

Sometimes I wish I was wise

jkdfhdsuia

sdfhjkewiusdjksdbmfSDHJFSDKFSDIYTHIWREBJKTBVNAK,hlktfDFSDHJFSDHFSDHShgfdsgfhsdkjasdfgkjdg\hfsdggfbsdkjeqytyhrebfkjckzkjagkukasdgufsdkgjfsdbkjfsdnvmfdsuifgsufgshfdgsdjhfgsdahjgf\hfsdhgfshgfsj

understand, me neither. My brain doesn't want to function!!!

Ahhh life well my life is such a game oh and I am playing it so well!!!!!!!!

but really that is a bad thing...

Tried flicking through the bible for a verse no luck, nothing screams out to me

but i am tried!!!

good night

Change

After all the healing and changing I haven't really talked about God on my blog, never really have.

Don't know why, it just seemed to slip my mind but I am trying to change that.

Trying been the operative word. I can't say I will or I wont because I will change.

I hate change, I hate it because sometimes we change  and we don't know it, or life changes without  asking us if it could change. Change seems so bad, growing up seems bad an innocents lost with our courage and individuality. WE get to grow up into a world that only wants to see pretty people and $$$ with a 50% of divorce rate in the WORLD! I don't want to change into that world, but do I have a choice with this change??

Everyone "christian" tells me I do,

they say stand out, be different don't follow the crowds. Don't blend in but I find it leaves us "Christians" in the grey area of the world neither black nor white.  We just suck our thumbs and "pray" I am so sick of it, we see a terrible thing and say that it is so bad but what are WE doing about it, not a damn thing? Please correct me if I am wrong but it isn't the "Christians" out in the world changing it...

We are so afraid of things we don't know!!!!

This might seems hypocritical to you because what is Tash doing about it,

tash is waiting as God wants me to be the right hand man, I am going out into this world to help the "scum" of the world as people refer them as.

mind you we all aren't waiting.

Some of you have jobs, so support a kid, its $44 a month that's a little over 4-6 hours of work or one shift!!!
a month.

We seem so scared of this world because we don't know it and we never will, we don't want to get our hands dirty, now do we!!!

If you weren't a christian and you met the christian you, would you become of a christian because of how you are??

For me, no i wouldn't, I want people to meet me and for God to make me shine for him, not change, people change and I find that makes them unreliable even me!

I didn't plan on ranting but it felt good, didn't know i was even thinking that.

quick bible verse

Deuteronomy 31 v  6
Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them for the lord God goes with you he will never forsake you or forget you.

I know that we have heard it before, and  I have done a lot of bad things in my life and God still loves me!

He sees those stars every time he sees me!!!

don't be afraid of this world because it IS going to hurt you, it  will knock you down and when you get back up it will knock you down again.

being strong and courageous wasn't meant to be easy so stick at it.
-tash

6 days to sum up

I haven’t blogged some of the most amazing days of my life and other fun days so I have to sum them up...

Wednesday-

Start of camp, yeah. I only got excited that morning, the girls and I had dibs on the minivan. SO much fun driving up to camp. We played Bat out of hell on my iPod just for Mr. D. to make him feel less odd. Got to camp, YAY!!! (Won’t say what I ate and stuff) Did survivor course, fun to a point, very extraneous on the body and mud taste so BAD!!!!!! Then we went to go and clean up, slightly awks as I waited on our porch for the shower when some guys in a cabin were standing on their porch in their undies. AWKS!!! No really it was awks. Then we had Mrs. B talk was good, then we prayed and my cabin prayed for over 2 hours. Most of us got some healing!!!!! It was great. Saw the night sky with the stars, phenomenal!!! Amazing breath taking, fall to your knees in awe!!!!

Thursday-

I spoke at brekkie, so nervous, went well! Did horse riding was fun then high ropes, ok so I can climb trees no matter how tall but I am terrified of high ropes, the height just scares me, but I got up the ladder and I got about 1/3 of the way across the rope then I freaked out and started hyperventilating and the tears came, hand were white from holding the rope so tight! Then initiative course, fun to a point. Had game show night, fun again to a point.

Friday-

Boys put our shoes on the roof over night, they froze! No harm done wasn’t funny to us tho, but now I laugh at it. Back home. Anthem left early didn’t feel well

Saturday-

Went out for lunch with Tim and ppl fun. Got home and then felt lonely, called ppl no one picked up then called Mims, very nice chat! I like having those chats with him, his laugh is so nice.

Sunday-

Meh

Monday-

Spent the day with Ali and got a job!!!! Finally!!! Saw technically 3movies!!! ( ;

Poem thing ish

Dedicated to Alicia Eng

PERFECT

Looking out, looking up

I fall to my knees

The beauty and awe

In the stars, the sight

Stands unmatched

By anything else in the world.

A simple word can do it justice

PERFECT

Which I see every time

I see the stars

And every time God looks at me

He sees

PERFECT

He sees a daughter

He loves dearly

One he is proud of

For I am his perfect daughter

the end.