Thought #4

P.s quick note, i am writing this under restricted time and this thought itself is scattered around my mind and I apologize for the horrific spelling and the akward way i phrase things...

My dear readers unfortunately to my disadvantage only one of you knows my really well and I confine in her at times my inner most thoughts and feelings. Alas again only some of my inner most thoughts and feelings so I will have to explain some of me before I begin this thought. What I write today is very personal and it’s breaking my 1st rule of protecting myself, (you might say protecting me from what, well I am protecting me from you (it’s complicated)) (but as I say rules are made to be broken)

pHs what I write may seem not personal maybe boring, maybe attention seeking maybe anything but this is important to me.

Through my life; care, thoughtfulness, importance to someone or thing and encouragement have been big things to me. I treat everybody like that even if I don’t like them but not often does one return the favour. I will write notes to my friends and I will go the to end of the world and back for you/them. I make my close friends a priority in my life and I will do anything. I want someone to randomly write me a note and encourage me like what I do or encourage me or make me FEEL like I am a priority but more than often I don’t feel like that and I find that at times that can get me down. It’s almost like a weakness in me and please don’t cities me for wanting this; please don’t judge me for thinking like this. I am afraid of wanting this and of not having this and please don’t think me silly for being afraid.

I got given a quote yesterday,

“Bravery is not doing some with no fear; bravery is going through something with fear”

That might not make sense to you but this person like many other people told me I was brave and more then often I don’t feel brave and I didn’t feel brave writing this post but when I get to my actual thought you might be able to get a better grasp on what I am saying.

So here is my thought,

I always thought that it must be the devil depriving me of this encouragement feeling etc...So like at planet shakers the pastor told everyone in the stadium to put a hand on the person next to them, right so he told the whole stadium and NO ONE put a hand on me and I yelled at God. Also a friend was saying something nice to all his close friends and the best thing he said was that he got my email. And yet again I yelled at God those are a few recent examples but those meant something to me. I finally got to a stage where I realised that I was depending on humans

I was depending on ppl like you for comfort and I could say refuge and I gave up on you today and then I realised that I need to place this want in God.

Any way I’m sick of writing I will be off to enjoy my grounding, yeah that right I’m grounded for the rest of the holidays...