BLAH

I don't know what to write, maybe I should start with the truth. There is so much going on right now in my mind. I don't know if I am a christian any more. I feel like God is just blatantly laughing at me. Its like God is out to prove me wrong!!! I don't understand what my purpose in life is. I dont knwo who I am anymore, because who I am now, is not who I want to be. I wish I didn't have so many problems, I wish I didn't have to rely on my friends so much. I feel like I rely on them way way way to much. I feel like I coudl write a million pages on what I feel. I don't know whether I want to remain sullen and uncontent with life or whether to poor my heart out on a "blog".

I wish someone looked out for me they way I look out for others, I want some one to look out for not always it being vice versa. No matter how hard I wish, or pray it nevers happens.

Reading my old diaries, how I have changed so much. It is like life has phases, and I have moved into another "phase".

Wish I could help people more than I do, wish I could be someone bigger and better than who I am.

 I know what I want to do-ish when I finish school, but its going to take like minimum 9 years of uni to do. I mean why waste that time, I want to get out  now, leave this horrible life behind and go... never look back. Live somewhere else, and teach but there is a slight problem in that plan because I had planned to teach Gods love through everything, that was my ulitmate plan but now I'm not so sure with God.

 I wish I had every thing all together but then I wish i could just sit down and cry.  But life doesn't allow you to step out for a moment you got to keep up and cross your fingers and hope for the best.

At youth group on friday, finally just lost it, I just walked out outside and wept, it was the realest emotion i have felt in a while. Everything I really felt came out,  wanted my closest friend next to me but as per usually they weren't there. I hold nothing against them that they weren't there, i just wanted so badly for them to be sitting next to me.

thats all