Where to start...I never knew that love would hurt so much. I mean every thing I can put in can all be thrown back at me. I wonder where life goes on from here, I still love everyone so much and I will keep being kind, generous, and loving because that is who I am. I feel like giving up right now, in all honestly I contradict what I said yesterday, I don't feel worthy. I suppose it is just this one person who right now has this knack for making me feel down right miserable. Although I gained an old friend but that came at a cost, and it was the cost of another friend but that other friend has only hurt me in the last 3 weeks so I think it was all worth it. My friend complained that I didn't give them enough space when they asked for space, I gave them 2 days. Life can change in a moment and they should know this better than any one else. I just want to treasure each moment because who knows how long you will have that moment but it’s so hard when things crash and burn to keep getting back up. So push through, people always say to get over it and other stuff. People say this to me constantly, does anyone get that it isn’t that easy. That each time you get back up it is like sanding your heart. Each time you get back up it hurts even more and you care even more. I know my heart is raw and my mind is all over the place I know you can't compare lives but I wish that there is some one out there who will treat me right, care for me the way I care for others. Love me for me, I suppose I’m desperate for the wrong kind of love but what can one do when they face this heart wrenching torment every day and just keep getting up. I don't know many people but I wish that there was someone out there who loved me the way I loved all you guys, I can't ask you to be me or even act like me but I want someone to come into my life and help me. I want to find someone who REALLY does know what I go through, who knows that life is getting to the point where I am inside screaming out and ready for a nervous breakdown, but how can 16 year old friends understand. For a moment I thought someone understood me but I was wrong, that person will never get it and they will never care for me the way I cared for them. I may not be strong or brave or smart but somewhere in my secret heart I know, Love will find a way. I know that is a quote but at this moment in time it is what sums me up. I may be strong but I am as weak as I am strong and I am not brave, if only you knew. I'm not smart with every bad choice I have made. My secret heart, well as much as it is a cliché, how can one show their heart if someone is lying in wait to destroy it. I just have to hold on to hope, it’s like the only thing I have left to hold onto is hope and I hope that one day love will find its way into my heart, the love I want because I if I am loved at this moment in time, I beg of those certain people not to love me. No wonder the world is like the way it is, I once wrote
Why can't life be one of those movies, happy with a few problems?
Why does have to be a catastrophe,
Why can't I explain how broken I am, why can't I describe my broken heart.
How can be told they are loved but surrounded by a wall of hate,
How can one cry themselves to sleep and no one notice those red eyes.
How can one have a voice and yet feel so mute,
Is this life even possible or is this a very begging before a fairy tale starts.
But when will they fairytale start?
I wrote that 3 years ago and it’s funny how everything is going backwards. I mean life hasn’t improved, I think I could almost say that it is back to the way it was. If only one knew what those 6 months were like, the horrors, the torment and this really isn’t appropriate to be writing on a blog, should I even say this.
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